Our online harms prevention group was honored to work together in Boston last year.
Advocate, Joann, lost her son to the blackout challenge on TikTok. 
(click to listen to her story)
 

2022 to 2023 

I’ll be honest, I love looking forward. Looking back is harder for me, but it’s been the most important guide for my growth to give an honest look at the past. I’m on a journey to learn to be present, but I cannot have true presence without my past and future.  I always heard the advice: “Don’t look back, only forward” and in many cases that’s not helpful and can actually stunt our growth. Honest presence can only happen when we take in our past, soak in our present, and let it guide our future. It all belongs. Integrated. Whole. Letting go and blessing what needs to die away to make way for the new.

So here we go. I was excited and grieved to look back at 2022. I also did this practice in my personal life and family, and I encourage you to.  It is humbling to think of all God has done this past year. From the necessity of having to close the kitchen doors for Talk More Meals food prep in Waco to growing our #TechResponsibly training in school and communities to getting time in the Texas Senator’s offices advocating for online safety for kids.

We opened the year with our meaningful Restorative Retreat hosted by Stillwater Refuge deep in the piney woods of East Texas. In January, and again in April, a small group of women learned to slow down, step away from screens for a weekend, soak up the quiet of nature, and open our hearts to a new way of being. We went through a digital wellness course, went on a nature walk (forest bathing), shared sacred messages that came out in our art expressions, and ate nourishing meals. We are hosting two more this year if you are interested. We would love to have you. Find more info HERE

Talk More Meals started the year off rocky, with the effects of the pandemic and inflation in the food industry. In July, I had to make the tough decision to close after six years of serving healthy food with talking points on the labels to local Wacoans. Our mission was to slow down and gather your people around healthy food and connection. Our customers were heartbroken and understanding. We saw many of our small businesses close over the past two years. Waco has always had the best people! We love our community and its support. We’re still continuing the message to #eatandconnect. Moving forward, it will just look different than physically serving food. 

Meanwhile, the community and school training for healthy and safe tech use was growing. To date, I’ve had the honor of training 10,000+ community members and students. This January we will be hitting the ground running with 10 trainings. About 900 students, case workers, moms of pre-schoolers, and district parents are all learning how to choose their well-being and safety when it comes to their devices. 

 I have a lot of passion for this part of my work and it came out at the meeting I was able to get with our Texas Senator’s office back in October. Ten years of stories and research came flowing out as I advocated for kids, parents, and what we’re up against with persuasive addictive tech design. As I work alongside other safe tech advocates in Texas these are important and exciting steps forward. 
 

Last and most importantly, I was able to meet in person with my Online Harms Prevention workgroup through the Screentime Action Network at Fairplay. The Summit was hosted in Boston. This group is full of parent survivors who have lost their children to online harms and advocates that are doing the work alongside one another. Being close to the heartache as we shared, learned, and moved this work forward was sobering. Even though we’ve been in this for a while, we feel like in some ways it’s just the beginning. As the tech industry grows and changes quickly, we have to be committed to the slow, steadfast, wise, and creative work that prevention, accountability, and advocacy take. Our well-being is worth it. Our kids are worth it. The next generations are worth it. I'm so proud to be a part of this amazing group and the national attention they have brought to this conversation. 

Carson and Alexander lost their lives to targeted online harms.

As we move into 2023 full of vision, with perspective, I want to thank you for your support of Talk More. Tech Less. I hope you take time this year to Talk More and connect with those around you and in your lives. We can’t wait to see what the year has in store. 

-Dawn

Privacy, the new privilege.

 

You can hear a pin drop when I start talking about our digital footprint in my #TechResponsibly training. It’s always a part of the talk that catches everyone's attention. Awareness is important. Because the truth is 

Nothing is private 

Many of us believe it is. We think this tiny screen we spend much of our day with belongs to us and only us, and doesn't impact anyone else. What we text that person, what “disappearing Snap’ we send, what images we scroll a little slower over (or even click on), what articles we read, what ads catch our attention, what websites we visit, what apps and games we spend our time on, what we buy and who we pay online, what profiles we stalk, what we say audibly in the presence of our devices - it is all being tracked and collected. Data privacy is no longer a privilege, it’s a myth. Data harvesting is our reality. We officially live in a world where being “off the grid” takes a lot of work, and

 this is where our true privilege is found.

@1000hoursoutside

There are two steps to understanding the digital footprint and they are:
1. Nothing you do on your screen is private
2. It lasts forever
I do this example in my training of someone walking down the beach. As a person is walking on the beach, their footprint gets washed away by the waves. Unfortunately, our digital footprints are not like that. They are like stepping in cement. When you lift your foot, it dries, seals, and is there forever. All the way back to those sonogram pictures your mom posted of you. 

If our digital footprint is public and forever, what does it reveal about our psychological profile? 

“Psychological profiling: the practice of trying to discover the likely character, behavior, and interests of a violent criminal based on evidence collected from the place where a crime was committed: The development of psychological profiling began in the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI ) Behavioral Science Unit during the 1960s in an attempt to understand violent criminal behavior.”

Cyber security experts now say the internet algorithms, software companies, and whoever else is collecting and selling our data will know us better than we know ourselves. So what does this mean especially for those of us who don’t know ourselves? 

Siri, who am I? Will my phone tell me?

Art has always told our stories better than words. Think of the 2013 film, Her, where Joaquin Phoenix plays a man who falls in love with the AI technology that knows him so well. Or the prophetic 2008 WALL-E animated Disney movie where humans are distracted by all their favorite things on screens while the earth and their bodies waste away. Or the circa 2014 art as people were already starting to feel enslaved by their phones. 

         

I sympathize with kids and teens today, due to this reality they live with. I also believe their generation will unlock the answers for the future of life in this digital age. 
Here are some trailblazing youth who have created organizations that are leading us in this issue: Rethink App, The Kind Campaign, and Stand for Courage. I attended a teen screentime summit in Boston last weekend where I got the opportunity to meet some of these creative souls, along with my own workgroups who are on the front lines of leading online safety legislation. 

Let's pay attention to those in coming generations who deeply desire to make an impact in this "one true life".  Yes, their digital footprint matters. It's a big part of their life and they are doing impactful things in that virtual realm, but it isn't a substitute for their LIFE imprint. The real tangible, physical, human nervous system, skin and bones and bodies that no virtual screen could replace. Sure, these tools are incredible and have limitless potential when it comes to our work/play/virtual connection.

But the data cannot be ignored. 

We must invest in our physical world - relationships, homes, families, co-workers, mealtimes, conferences, vacations, backyard gardens, school sports, restaurants, teams, museums, and talk about potential...it goes on forever. This is our investment. 

This is where life impact meets our highest 
mental, physical, emotional, & relational health. 

Alright, I mentioned data. A recent study confirmed what we have witnessed over the past decade with teens.  Those who had a rich, physical social life showed low-to-minimal anxiety and depression related to their social media use, vs. teens who spent most of their social life "connecting" on social media and little-to-none in-person friendships had a higher anxiety and depression rate. Social media should not be a substitute for your relationships, but it can be an addition to them. Why?

Because real-life matters

Very recently our community suddenly and tragically lost an incredible human being. He was a husband, father, artist, creator, small business owner, and longtime dear friend. When I look at his life it was far-reaching in amazing ways on and off of social media, but do you know where I saw his life imprint the most? It reached deep down into the hearts, the tear-stained eyes, and the desperate, beloved acts of those he loved and those who loved him.
When our life impact isn't a swipe, but a blow.
 

That's when we know we lived. 

- Dawn  

A Mother's Truth

Photo: during 2020 quarantine & counseling

“She had begun to let the truth of her story reside in her body” - Redeeming Heartache

As I sat across the table with my half-eaten taco in front of me, I stared into the eyes of my boys, and my appetite was gone. 

We were at Ninfas, our favorite restaurant in Waco for over two decades. This table held a lot of history for our family. I remember back to the days when I was dating their dad and he sat across from me at this very table. So many double dates with friends, meetings, family dinners, planning/work sessions, and reunions with college friends. The numerous times I stood by the table and bounced a crying baby on my hip while I scarfed down my Pechuga Alfonso. Those very babies were now meeting my gaze as a high schooler and middle schooler. 

On this particular occasion, I’d take a fussy baby in a restaurant over this meal. It was time to tell them my story. I can do hard things. I can do this hard conversation. Talk about TALK MORE...here we go. 

I shared with them how I suffered an early childhood experience of s*xual abuse by a non-family member and kept the experience from my family, holding it inside for a long time. The tears in my eyes were met by their compassion-filled eyes. As we talked, they both had good questions. There was a little awkward fidgeting from my middle schooler, but I felt seen by them in a new way - which was equally brave and scary. 

Before we left, I reached my hands past the unfinished taco plates, baskets of chips, and red and green sauce, and grabbed their arms. “I know there are times, for whatever reason, Dad and I have made you feel like you couldn’t come to us with things going on in your life, both big and small. We want you to know that you can bring anything to us. We can handle the bigness of it. We are here for you both.” They tenderly said back, “We know you are, Mom.” 

I am a survivor. That took a long time for me to name.

I am a skin cancer survivor. Gah, I miss baking in the sun and I don’t like hats. That was a hard one to face. But after having three spots cut out of my skin, and being told by one classless plastic surgeon, “It’s only a matter of time” to which I cried in Matt’s arms and finally faced the reality that this was my new normal. I have to take care of my skin. 

I am also a spiritual abuse survivor. I won’t go into the many thoughts I have on the popular Rise and Fall of Mars Hill Podcast, my complicity over the decades of church life, and my new-ish lens of what His kingdom on earth looks like on this earth - but that’s not what I’m here to write currently. 

And I’m a childhood s*xual abuse survivor. After going to counseling twenty-five years ago and then unlocking a deeper layer of healing two years ago during COVID-19 quarantine, I’ve learned how to allow the truth of my healing journey to better play out in my daily life. 

It’s why I see stories of victims of CSAM, Childhood S*xual Abuse Material, online and work to do something about it. It’s why I foresaw those issues when smartphones came on the scene. It’s why I work to train parents, schools, and adults about the vulnerability of unsupervised access to strangers on the internet. It’s why I joined my best friend going into strip clubs 18 years ago as she started an organization, Lovely Village, a healing community for survivors of s*xual trauma. It’s why I advocate for legislation to hold Meta (Facebook) and other Big Tech companies accountable for the greater potential of virtual reality assault in this growing MetaVerse. 

“Epic Games CEO Tim Sweeney ‘The metaverse will be made up of many types of experiences and will not be controlled by any one company,’ Sweeney said. ‘This will require all of us who are building toward this future to create experiences that are not only interoperable but also take the safety of our audiences into account, no matter their age. By making KWS parent verification free we hope to enable more developers to create safer digital experiences while empowering parents to make the choices that are right for their families.’"

At a recent Talk More. Tech Less. student presentation, a 4th-grade girl came up to me and the counselors after the meeting. She asked, “What if I sent someone I don’t know a picture that I wish I didn’t? If I broke my computer screen would that picture be gone?” 4th grade. That’s a 9-year-old.

Of course, after the intervention and help we got her, as well as making sure to explain to her the difference between physical objects (her computer) and digital media, it was reinforced to me again the power we are putting in the hands of children without equipping them with the tools, protection, and training for their health and safety online. 

This is why I do this work. This work, as difficult as it is, is a gift. 

This gift is also a part of shining a light on CONNECTION. We need one another. I’m living this out in my own life relationships. Back to the table at Ninfas with my boys. Connection requires vulnerability. The eye contact. The physical and emotional bonds. The honesty met with empathy. Connection. As important as monitors and filters are, all the best software in the digital world can’t compare to secure attachments. Our voice and our investment in our kids are irreplaceable.  Opening up so they can know us, and us being a safe place to let them be and be known is vital. 

I blow it all the time, but what I continue to learn over and over, as a parent - and as a person, for that matter - is this: The very best gift we can give each other is our presence. We will mess up. But we have to choose to continue to show up. As we struggle, we can be there for each other. When someone shares, we can give them our ear, and if needed, our words. I am not in a relationship to be passive, distracted, or even controlling - speaking to my recovering self here. 

I am here to “be with”, just as God is with.

Relationships require us to do hard but worthy work. As we engage in that work we gently become who we are meant to become together. 

Our suffering doesn’t get a witness…until it does - Nadia Bolz-Weber

- Dawn  

Find resources for healthy digital habits at talkmoretechless.com

sources: designedwithkidsinmind.us, center for humane technology, digital wellness institute, child mind institute,fairplayforkids.org, washingtonpost.com, 

The Journey - 12 Months of Digital Wellness, December

Let's take a look back. 

If I could give a snap-shot of the 12 Months of Digital Wellness that we just walked through this last year it would look something like this:

Build a Life, Not a Brand ~ You are not a brand you are a HUMAN LIFE, treat yourself and others like it. Stop selling yourself, you already belong.

Our Distracted Mind ~ Give your brilliant mind SPACE. The world needs your whole healthy deep mind, and more importantly, so do you. 

Your Good Body ~ Listen to it. Your temple is the most exquisite hospitable host. Treat her like it. She will lead you.

Our People ~ Reach out. Invest in your people. They are more worth it than any Netflix binge. 

Your Time ~ The hijacking of your time is taking a toll on you. Take it back. Let your good body, mind, and spirit tell you where to spend your time. Get to know their voices and draw good boundaries. 

Unplug ~ You will not regret time well spent off the grid. There is a reward waiting that you could never imagine. 

Phone Dependency ~ But taking time away WILL surely bring up all you’ve been avoiding. Use your resources to get you through addressing your issues (counseling, trustworthy people in your life…) don’t simply stay dependent on numbing out.

Consumption, Contribution, & Capacity ~ Don’t sit out, judge, observe, or overconsume. This negatively affects your well-being. Your wise contribution is important. Participate. Know what to step into and what to step away from.

Kids/Family ~ Model what you ask of them & invite them on the journey of life. Don’t leave them out there alone. They need you. 

Social Media ~ Keep it social. Don’t isolate. Choose accounts that fuel you and better you, not drain you. While this space can be fulfilling, it cannot replace real life friendships. Both/And. 

Friendship & Loneliness ~ People are glorious and complicated. Choose the hard road of human connection. Loneliness is proven to negatively affect our mental state and even has an impact on our mortality. Learn to love your people. They are a worthy journey. 

The Journey ~ Have you said yes to a journey? Get ready. It will change you. 

When we choose to say yes to a journey, we are choosing change.

We have no knowledge of what that change will be. We just know it will be. 

With this journey specifically, I said yes to learning to be present almost ten years ago. I didn't know it was called digital wellness then and I had no idea about the healing path it would lead me down. It was simply a spark that woke something in me and started to flicker. What began as an ambitious attempt to fix something broken in the world had to die. What is blooming is a curious, humble attempt at presentness in my own life. 

I thought because I studied and practiced digital health that I knew the answers, but what I found was I have to live it. Experience. Walk down the path of my own story. What I longed for and needed, and how to offer that to those in my life. Even my moments of failure and humility.  My kids have seen mine and feel more connected to me and I to them. That’s what Digital Flourishing looks like to me. Authenticity. Being with. Connection. Falling and helping each other up.  My journey has been one of introspective healing for the healing of the whole. Isn’t that what Jesus asks of us? To look inward before we can ever look outward. To see ourselves, each other, and God there. In every moment. Presentness changes us. It heals us. We are beginning to be and to be with.

This holiday season I’ve let Emmanuel be my teacher in being present. God with us. 

We can choose to say no to a journey. To look away from the suffering. To numb and stay the same. Keep the status quo. To let life just happen without opening our eyes, minds, or hearts. To say no to growth. But at what cost?

I’ll leave you with this. I’ve been reading about the effects of a Japanese practice called forest bathing, or shinrin-yoku. It is simply being in nature while connecting with it through our senses of sight, hearing, taste, smell, and touch. It scientifically de-stresses a person, which we know is true about nature. I believe a trip to the woods among the trees would be life-giving, but I cannot shake the feeling that more than any detox experience, what we need most is the practice of Life Bathing. Immersing ourselves and our five senses in the everyday moments of our lives and our people. The beauty of this is we can do it right here. Looking at this new year let’s step into our journey with that in mind.

Look up. 

Take it in. 

And Live.  

-Dawn Wible

Find resources for healthy digital habits at talkmoretechless.com

sources: Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, child mind institute, center for humane technology, digital wellness institute, pew research center, fairplayforkids.org, facebook.com 

On Friendship & Loneliness

“I just get lonely sometimes. I want someone to take away my grief”. - Waterdeep

Still the best invention - PEOPLE 
 

This is the Talk More. Tech Less. motto, because we believe in it. Yet the truth is, we the people, can be hard, complicated, and cause harm to each other. We can also be the glory of a lifetime well lived and loved if we choose the harder road of investing in us. 

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Naming places of loneliness is an important part of being human. We know that we are inextricably connected to one another, whether we are alone or together. We long for connection. When the individual is affected, so is the collective. We are NOT made to live life alone. Isolated. Every decision we make affects the other. That being said…

It’s the holiday season 
 

The holidays have been a time that brings deep joyous traditions and for many trauma, and sadness triggering seasonal depression. Last year many of us spent the holidays at home, FaceTiming or just scrolling through all the creative ways we were practicing isolated holiday traditions. Some of it was unique and fun, and some of it was heartbreaking. But we lived it and it affected us. Many of our relationships changed this last year.
 

The May 2021 American Perspectives Survey finds that Americans report having fewer close friendships than they once did, talking to their friends less often, and relying less on their friends for personal support. 
 

This is sad to me, but at the same time, I get it. Unless we were knitted into a close quarantine community we were isolated from others and then offered one avenue to “connection” outside of our home: the screen. Whether it was news, zoom work calls, FaceTime, gaming, or social media, this was our link to the outside world. 

Times of solitude may cause us to long for one another, and for many of us, it did. We grieved and appreciated what we lost. We journaled. We prayed for the world. We remembered big dinners, live shows, gatherings, in-person school, and work. The time of solitude gave us the opportunity for a deeper appreciation of each other.  Dietrich Bonhoeffer, in his book Life Together, has much to say about solitude as does Thomas Merton with his quote, “It is in deep solitude that I find the gentleness with which I can truly love my brothers.” Solitude well spent. Where we rest ourselves and let God work in the inner places that need it. A seedling for the longing of others to grow there. 
 

But if our time of isolation was more consumption, it affected us in other ways. We binged on convenience. Physical life and relationships just became too hard to get back to. Some of this was necessary for new boundaries we created, or needed at the time. But truthfully, a virtual world is, well, easier. My eyes take in what they want and when I don’t like what I see or read, my fingers fire back easy harsh words that I have no repercussions from. Or I simply, dismiss, unfollow, and move on. Hard lines are drawn, and a division is a natural end goal. Then my entertainment takes the sting of loneliness and a scary world away. So I binge again.
 

                                             image: WALLE midstory.org

The Friendship Epidemic mirrors the Loneliness Epidemic

 

Yet we are meant for community. Followers, friends, gaming clans, teams, tribes and Instagram's "Close Friends" feature, all bring the titles of relationship, admirer, companion, belonging to a digital space. And so many of us have experienced this community in a digital space. We know it's possible, important, and last year, it was necessary for many to stay connected.  What we also know in the digital wellness community is that even with the strategic language of “friendship” when it replaces physical-world everyday life relationships, it takes a toll on us and affects our well-being. These are not theories, these are facts. Can we pay attention to the data coming out about the cost to our well-being?

Despite the data, Facebook‘s new branding wants to help us immerse in an even more virtual connection creating the metaverse. A new kind of virtual universe for us. And guys, hear me say, I'm sure it's going to be interactive, fun, and really practical for business, connection, and the future of where we are headed! Hence the nuance of technology. 

 

"The metaverse is the next evolution of social connection. Our company’s vision is to help bring the metaverse to life, so we are changing our name to reflect our commitment to this future." -facebook.com

I'm simply asking us to pay attention. Openness. Here’s my hesitation to shift our physical world to a virtual one. It’s a slow progression from us living our authentic lives to commercialization, masked in convenience and connection.  
 

Social media won't be our main answer to loneliness.

Henri Nouwen, in his book, Reaching Out, was speaking these timely truths well before smartphones. 

“The roots of loneliness are very deep and cannot be touched by optimistic advertisement, substitute love images or social togetherness. They find their food in the suspicion that there is no one who cares and offers love without conditions, and no place where we can be vulnerable without being used.” 

Those of us spending so much of our lives in virtual spaces are commodified whether we know it or not. Think about how in 2010, if you shot a thought out to the internet it was just a thought...now it's considered content. Your very life is content to be consumed and sometimes if you're a "lucky” or a skilled influencer, it's monetized in your favor. If you're not, it is in the favor of the tech company, software designers or platforms you're participating on. But even if we are getting monetized benefits, there is still always a deeper cost. As the saying goes, If you don’t pay for the product, you are the product. And sadly, much of that cost is our mental health. Our very well-being.  Our beautiful minds and lives were not simply meant to be consumed with a price tag attached. Our families and friendships were not meant to be exclusively played out in front of the world, or at least “our audience”.

Yes, live open lives. Serve, love, and don't hide. Offer beauty and life to others virtually. This is a gift to the world. Social media is an avenue for that. You are a gift to the world. But not at the cost of yourself. There is a way to balance out the fact that social media is a part of our lives, and even an important part (refer to past newsletters where I outline living in this tension with healthy digital habits).  But because of the intense tech design toward our human desires and even needs, we must be vigilant for our own well-being and relationships.  

"Was nothing real?” "You were real. That's what made you so good to watch."  The Truman Show 1998
 

This holiday try these simple ways to engage physically and safely to get quality connection in your life. Write handwritten notes that you really spend time on and include those in your Christmas gifts this year. Have a dinner and dance party with close friends (cue endorphin, dopamine, and oxytocin dumps). Hug your kids a little longer in the morning. Give a foot or hand massage to someone while watching a holiday movie. Look Grandma in the eyes while you tell her a story from this past year. Tell your loved ones how much they mean to you. Reach out to someone who is struggling, with a phone call or video message. Reach out to someone with something you’re struggling with and let them into that part of your life. Turn on holiday music or just good jazz and cook a meal with someone. 

Or better yet, make up your own connection journey this holiday...

...and if all else fails with your connections, just know you drew your boundaries, you gave it all you had, 

AND you are not ALONE. 🤍

                                           pinterest.com




-Dawn Wible

Find resources for healthy digital habits at talkmoretechless.com

sources: Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, child mind institute, center for humane technology, digital wellness institute, pew research center, fairplayforkids.org, facebook.com 

Let's Talk Social Media

From Origin Story to Today
"Ours is a story that started in a dorm room and grew beyond anything we imagined" - Mark Zuckerberg

Humans are designed for connection—we’ve always longed for it. If you have a social media account, tonight your feed will most likely be filling up with pictures and videos of Halloween costumes. We will get to see who everyone dressed up like this year with the swipe of a finger. Some of us will be excited to post and see the pictures of friends, families, and even celebrities. Some of us will be annoyed and not care, wanting to get back to posting news articles. For some of us, it will cause feelings of being left out, jealous, or not good enough. Many factors play into this but one thing is for sure, it’s impossible to really grasp how very much social media has changed our lives in just about 15 short years.  
 

In 2005 only 5% of us had a social media account and now 70% of us do. In 2003 the social networking site, Friendster, quickly had 3 million monthly users, followed by MySpace and Second Life. But launching in 2004 there was one that dominated them all and currently has 2.89 billion users. 
 

Facebook has been in the news a lot this month, which is timely considering this month’s topic on the effects and origin of social media. This is not simply about Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook; honestly, the story is way bigger than one man. But the story of Facebook does begin with him. Stories deserve our attention, admission, and when needed, repair where harm has been made. There are plenty of organizations and people that want to “Take Zuck Down.” I don’t want to negate real-world issues that Facebook has influenced, from global division to parents grieving their child’s bullying and suicide. Though I don’t think specifically taking Mark down will solve the complex issues we as a society are dealing with today in the realm of our changed social interactions and their effect on us, however, I do believe accountability for all of Big Tech will help reverse the tide.
 

I also believe that stories matter. Specifically, origin stories link us to the present. I know that’s true in my own life. 

Story opens my eyes to patterns playing out in my life today, and if I pay attention, it can lead me down a path to repair and healing.

 

Stories help make space to allow God to bring wholeness where I’ve blown it or where harm has caused immense pain in my life. Shining the light in the dark places is brave work. If we want to see change, we have to go down this road. But many don’t choose it. We stay stuck in a cycle that holds us back from real freedom.


Facebook and Big Tech continue to make excuses for the issues they have perpetuated. Recently, Facebook has made the news for its internal research that points to mental health issues among users of its websites, specifically among young girls. These documented cases get very specific and seem familiar considering the origin story of Zuck’s first social media site before Facebook. 

He now calls it his “prank” website he made before Facebook. It was called FaceMash. It was a "hot or not" website he created for Harvard students using their ID photos to rank their classmates based on their appearances. The site showed users pairs of women and asked them to rank who was hotter. The homepage stated:

“Were we let in for our looks? No. Will we be judged on them? Yes.”
 

In a journal he kept on the site, young Zuckerberg made fun of some of the photos, “I almost want to put some of these faces next to pictures of farm animals and have people vote on which is more attractive,” he said. FaceMash was quickly forced to be taken down by the school and he launched Facebook the following year.

Origin stories are important, and this one is still at play in the life and work of Mark Zuckerberg in light of social media’s effect on teenage girls. When Frances Haugen, former Facebook data scientist and whistleblower, released Facebook’s own documents to the IRS it was revealed that the company knows Instagram, an online photo-sharing application and social network platform owned by Facebook, makes body issues worse for one in three girls. One way this plays out is through algorithms. Algorithms are designed to detect interaction among users to understand which content the users like to see the most.  Popular content is pushed to the top of your feed on your phone to keep you engaged longer. The content shown is also tailored to your gender and age, and it is designed to show you more of what you’re seeing or what your “friends” are seeing and liking. So if a young girl’s thumb slows down as she’s scrolling on her phone, the algorithm pays attention to that scroll pattern, whether she’s reading or staring at an image. It then pushes more of that similar content to her feed. It will even send more harmful content, including eating disorder accounts. 

A “hot or not” website origin playing out today in the lives of young kids.
 

 istock

“The app also has a culture of posting only the best pictures and moments, and it operates as an addictive product. Top (Facebook) executives have reviewed the research, according to the Journal, and it was cited in a presentation given last year to CEO Mark Zuckerberg. Still, Facebook has reportedly struggled to manage the problem while keeping users engaged and coming back.  The (Wall Street) Journal report exacerbated at least one lawmaker’s concerns over Facebook’s exploration of a children’s version of Instagram. - CNBC

Due to much pressure from lawmakers and activists concerned about kids' mental health, including the petition we were circulating that many of you signed, Instagram is pausing its plans for Instagram for Kids currently. 
 

When I say our stories matter, I’m speaking about acknowledgment and repair. We have an opportunity to right the wrong instead of making excuses or burning it all down. Whether it’s an individual or a corporate choice, we can change directions and move toward restoration rather than continuing in destruction. For Facebook and other social media companies, that might look like restoring what was done wrong by honoring young girls and reversing the tactics of these harmful strategies designed into the fabric of how social media works. But as long as Big Tech continues to choose profit over people then I will continue to advocate for their accountability.


There are many more issues at play with how social media benefits and harms society. But, as I said at the beginning, human connection is the goal. That was also a part of the origin story. As with many of you, when I signed up for Facebook back in 2006, it was to connect with family and friends. To share my life and pictures and to see theirs shared. To keep in touch, like modern-day snail mail and family albums all rolled into a convenient, instantaneous digital package. The intention was there, but I quickly saw the tech design influencing a different direction for users. The goal was profit at all costs, not connection.

Regardless of what Big Tech and Facebook get held accountable to do, there are two good and (I believe) attainable goals for me in striving to return to the purpose of my social media use. I’ve struggled plenty here, but when I keep these goals in front of me it’s very helpful. I try and teach my kids these intentions as well.

1. Connecting to Others and Sharing My Life. When I’m on SM, my goal is to engage and contribute more than consume. When connection turns quickly to hours of isolation it is the illusion of connection, which can result in comparison and envy instead of connection. Moments of comparison happen often throughout our lives—it’s human nature. But the comparison game goes on steroids with social media and friends’ highlight moments in our faces 24/7. This can affect our well-being. Wisdom with my time and intentions on social media helps me. (The goal of Big Tech is to keep you on their app, but it’s not the goal of your wellness.)

1. Following Inspiring Accounts. I have to take guarding my heart seriously. I am picky about who and what I allow on my feed and into my eyes. Following anything and everyone can bring real damage as well as drain me. People are incredible and there are some amazing accounts with beneficial news, real stories, and important content for me. But even with all the good, when I’m feeling information overload, I sense it. That’s when I try to take time away to digest not just continue to ingest.

We all know the tension of social media. It’s the gift and the curse. How we steward it is important. Story matters. Intention matters. It is all at play today, and if we pay attention, we can see it and hopefully do something meaningful with it. 

-Dawn Wible

 

Find resources for healthy digital habits at talkmoretechless.com

sources: child mind institute, center for humane technology, digital wellness institute, sowthat.com, pew research center, fairplayforkids.org, cnbc, instagram 

What About the Kids

“Kids need Bigger, Strong, Wise & Kind Adults.”
-methodist children's home Trust-Based Relational Intervention Training

In honor of back-to-school, let’s shine a light on our kids in this digital culture. We have spent the past eight months talking about our own digital well-being. As adults and parents, we know it starts with us. It must. 

But now I’m venturing into the world of our kids. This is tender territory for me, remembering needs in my own young self, as a child growing up: To be seen. To be heard. To be safe. I also have kids, so I feel my own shortcomings blaring in my face and see the deep needs of these young lives in my home. As I said, this is a tender space. 

I want to say upfront how brilliant and brave kids and teens are today. As an educator, mentor, and mom, I have worked closely with, taught, and raised these digital natives and am in awe of them. It’s easy for us to focus on where they are lacking or the negative influences affecting their generation as a whole, but it’s important for us to look for the gold in them and call it forth.  They deeply desire that kind of care. 
 

They need us and we need them. 

Also, it would be irresponsible of us to only look at these coming generations without looking at the former ones, ourselves, and those before us. Yes, kids today are more anxious than any generation before them. So are we. “Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States" - aada.org  Yes, kids today are dealing with the highest levels of self-harm and suicide. So are we. Yes, kids today are more insecure than ever. So are we. Yes, kids today are walking through individual and collective trauma. 

SO ARE WE.

We cannot address anyone else until we see ourselves more clearly.  In psychology, this is known as mirroring. Mirroring is matching someone's behavior, and it’s also known as limbic synchrony. It is the act of mimicking those around us. For many of us adults, we are anxious and distracted people today. 

Let’s look at distraction and mirror neurons.  

“At birth, a baby’s brain has a hundred billion neurons, most of which are not connected. The neurons begin to form connections with one another when the child engages with their parents and others around them—for instance, when a baby smiles and their parent smiles back, or a baby cries and a parent responds with a hug.  These types of reciprocal exchanges are known as “serve and return” interactions because they work like a game in which a ball is volleyed back and forth. The child sends a signal, and the parent responds. Serve and return helps connect neurons in the brain to support language and communication skills, and as a child grow, these interactions help them learn emotional control, as well as important non-verbal emotional cues (for instance, what anger and happiness look like). The more responsive we are to their elemental attempts at communication. The more they learn the world is a pretty safe place.” Jeanne Williams, child psychologist

Researchers at Boston University School of Medicine observed that when parents were distracted by a device at dinner, they had 20 percent less conversation with their kid and 39 percent fewer non-verbal interactions. The tech interruptions start early on in our relationships with our kids, disrupting even little things like eye contact. And the consequences are real. University of Cambridge researchers have found that when mom and baby lock eyes, their brainwave patterns sync up so that scans of their brain activity look very similar. Researchers concluded that gaze powerfully signals to the baby that mom is available and interested in communicating, and the baby in turn will make more vocalizations and greater attempts to interact. - Todaysparent.com

Much of our lives as parents are lived behind screens, and it influences these mirror neurons of the ones in our homes. So, are kids always on their phones, and is it affecting them? Absolutely. And, it is a learned behavior, magnified X1000 with the digitally addictive design of their technology. 

What happened in our kids this last year and a half, behind closed doors with blue lights glowing on faces? What internal questions were asked? What questions were answered by videos they took in and by people they chatted with? What narratives were formed in their developing minds?  Our kids are taking their questions to places that are listening - “showing them attention” and grabbing theirs. Siri is not the only one answering questions. The deep-down questions of need are being answered throughout many of the places our kids are online. Am I important? Is the world a good or bad place? Am I safe? Am I pretty? Do my friends like me? Am I strong? Am I loved? Do I belong?

What I’m learning about openness in parent-child/teen relationships is dropping defenses leaves an open door. #talkmore 

Humility. Listening. Attuning. Being Present.

I’ve spent a lot of time with parents talking about this issue. From “my kid will never get a phone” all the way to “my toddler loves to play all day on my phone” and everything in between. What I will say is most of us are making these decisions about our kids’ screens and digital boundaries from a place of our own issues. I know this because I’m living it. I know this because I study it. I know this because I’m walking it with you with my kids and with the collective world. Our own unresolved issues influence our decisions with our kids, and not just digitally. We respond from places of fear or control rather than being proactive from a place of desiring freedom, goodness, and independence for our kids. 

Many times the fear/control response seems to make sense, particularly when we see the devastation online that is trying to engulf our kids. But, even if we are impacted by  TikTok’s Devious Lick trend, we have to #talkmore and address it. Educate. Advocate. Have conversations about legal consequences, and boundaries, and engage kids/teens with clarity. Get involved in policies, like the ones we promote here monthly. This is where change happens. There will be new illegal viral trends. The reality is technology has become one of the most influential parts of our lives, and especially our kids. Taking it away will not solve it. Resignation and letting the digital world shape our kids will not solve it either. 
 

Delayed age exposure, education & advocacy can. 

Many of us have been reading and experiencing the effect that social media and our devices, in general, are having on this generation of kids and teens. Thank goodness for all of the important research that is coming out about it. I have also linked some resources below, including the new and damning evidence WSJ uncovered from Facebook’s own internal mental health research, The Facebook Files. (Don't miss that link & more below)


I want to end with ways we can engage these issues with reason and wisdom, rather than fear and control: 

1. What are kids universally, most likely, dealing with, and what can we do about it?

2. Healthy digital habits to set them on a trajectory of mental stability to digitally flourish at this time.

3. Helpful resources and ways we can get them support. (click on the links below)

Excessively Available. This is the biggest one I hear. Kids/teens need to be there for a friend at all times. They feel they have to be available at all times for anyone to get ahold of them. It is not uncommon for them to be on suicide watch for friends who are self-harming.

How we can help. Have clear and reasonable hours to be on devices and when to be off, especially overnight. Talk about how to point our friends to professionals/counselors and caregivers to be their support. Our kids are not meant to take that on themselves. As heartbreaking as it is, they are not equipped to be their friends’ “therapist.” Yes, they can be a listening ear and support, but not literally holding their friends’ lives in their hands. I have had this very conversation with my teenagers so that they understand the importance of not trying to take on roles that they aren’t trained for or doing the same to their friends.
When they are doing important tasks, use the “Focus” feature on the phone and block distracting notifications, or just put the phone away during the tasks. Help them limit notifications, especially big group texts. These can cause anxiety when constantly blowing up their phone.

Excessively ON. Much of life is recorded and public. This is an immense amount of pressure as well as responsibility. There’s the social pressure of not messing up in the digital age. There’s the personal pressure to maintain an online presence by checking posts to see likes and comments and navigate bullying (though they don’t call it that). There’s the anxious pressure to not miss anything due to being left out or out of the know.

How we can help. In our Digital Wellness Presentations, we talk about our digital footprint. This is so important for this generation to realize that everything they do on their phone and on their devices is forever. No disappearing snap is truly gone. The decisions they make on their devices are important, but also, they will mess up. Everyone does, so we need to be there with them at that time.

Excessively Attached. There’s a lot that goes into this regarding attachment styles and who is more attached to their devices and who is not. But, pretty universally, kids/teens are growing up attached to their phones. Much of this is due to the ever-evolving and growing tech industry. There are important petitions, regulations, and requirements putting pressure on these companies and the inhumane design of their products on a policy level, but for now, these devices are designed to addict.

How we can help. Awareness of this issue is helpful. Educate your family on this issue and make good tech habits a thing in your home. Every small step is important. No phone in the room at bedtime. Put away phones at mealtimes. Set App limits and downtime in screentime settings. They won’t thank you externally, but they need intervention, and for most kids, it will not happen on their own. You will see big changes from these small steps.

Excessively Targeted. This is not a made-up paranoid theory of kids and devices. They are targeted. Monetarily targeted by the tech industry and advertisers. Sexually targeted by Traffickers, pedophiles, and the porn industry. Their characters are targeted by cyberbullying and “online friends.”

How we can help. Especially for young kids, setting up privacy settings, location settings, age limits, screen time settings, and most importantly, TALK MORE. For older kids, guiding them to set up their own screen time settings and giving space to LISTEN MORE. Don’t be shocked or they will shut down. I have made this mistake. Play it cool. Keep it open. Create a safe place for them to open up about what they experience and encounter on their devices. Be involved in their lives online and off. They want to be seen and heard, even if externally they are pushing you away. Don't buy it.

LOOK UP.   SHOW UP.   BE PRESENT.

-Dawn Wible, Founder

 

Find resources for healthy digital habits at talkmoretechless.com

sources: child mind institute, center for humane technology, digital wellness institute, pew research center, fairplayforkids.org, apa.org, bark.us

It's All Just So Much - On Consumption, Contribution and Capacity

On Consumption, Contribution and Capacity

“Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that's where life starts.”
-Prov. 4:23, The Message

We have talked about our minds and our bodies, but taking a look at our hearts is the bravest work for us to do. Even before this pandemic, we were dealing with the highest levels of stress and anxiety that mental health experts had seen. Add in the dear people in our lives that we are losing to this virus, the global, national, and local issues, school, job insecurity, and just the everyday life pressures, it's no secret that many of us are struggling.  

For my own well-being and for yours I'm going to name some ways we can “put on our own oxygen masks first” so that we can have the capacity to hold what we need to and lovingly let go of what is not ours to carry.

I want to break down what digital wellness really is and why it’s important for us. Simply put, digital wellness is the healthy use of technology. If the time we spend in a digital space is negatively affecting our well-being (and research is proving too much of it is) then we want to turn that around.
Let’s look at well-being in general and apply that to our digital lives. “Psychological well-being and mental health are two closely related constructs. Both a state of wellness in which an individual feels good, based on having positive relationships with others, a sense of purpose in life, self-acceptance, personal growth, autonomy, and environmental mastery. These states allow people to realize their potential, manage stress, be productive, and make contributions to the larger community” - internationaljournalofwellbeing.org (Ryff & Keyes, 1995).

The goal of digital flourishing is to feel good coming out of our digital spaces. We’re going to look at three areas that highly influence our state of being when it comes to our time behind screens.
 

On Consumption ~

An important first step is to guard our hearts from information overload and pay attention to how stressful or traumatic information affects us. 

Scrolling. Scrolling. Scrolling. No interaction. This is consumption over contribution.  Being over-informed and taking in content is not the same as engaging, interacting, and reaching out. Many of us spend more time consuming than we do caring for ourselves and others. What we know is news alerts and social media are extra stressors on our minds, bodies, and hearts. 

Of course, social media is a beneficial and brilliant connection point to inspiring stories and people outside of our circles; opening our minds to ideas and our hearts to compassion. In the same way, it is also a tragic connection to false narratives, negative content, and messages that our hearts take in. I’ll say it again, we were not meant to carry all that we’re carrying. Even the most resilient begin to experience compassion fatigue from prolonged exposure to suffering. This form of fatigue is sometimes called a secondary stress reaction. 

Here are some symptoms of compassion fatigue. Pay attention if you’re noticing these signs in yourself. 

• Physical and psychological exhaustion

• Feeling helpless, hopeless, or powerless

• Feeling irritable, angry, sad, or numb

• Detachment or isolation from others

• Decreased pleasure in activities

• Reduced sense of personal accomplishment or meaning in work

Having an understanding of what is happening in the world around us is important AND being intentional with our own health is a must. Consuming so much will eventually leave us overwhelmed and empty, where we have nothing left to give. Honestly, that’s where many of us are stuck. 

On Contribution ~ 

Scrolling. Commenting. Posting. Active involvement while we’re in the digital space and active involvement in our real-life activities can be life-giving. Remember this research finding I’ve quoted before: “When we use social media as a tool to deepen our strong-tie relationships, well-being increases. When we use it to consume content or compare ourselves to others, well-being decreases. -Digital Communication Media Use and Psychological Well-Being, Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication

From our May Newsletter - Oh Sacred Time: 

“How are we spending our time?” is not a shaming question, it is an inviting question. Inviting us into spaces of action and creation and the deep waters of life. In the digital wellness world, we look at the three C’s as focus points on how we’re spending our time online:  

Creating 

Connecting

Consuming

Creating and connecting are both ways we contribute online, whereas consuming is how we take in online content. Focus on participating in the online world rather than simply viewing the online world. Creating and connecting can be a more fulfilling way to spend our time online. 

Before we move on to capacity, ask yourself these questions: 

How am I showing up in my life - online & offline? Are they integrated? Am I creating and contributing or just consuming? Am I prioritizing physical-world engagement? What can I realign here?


 

On Capacity ~

How much more can my heart take? 

As a teenager, I hated heart shapes. I thought they were cheesy. Maybe thanks to Valentine’s Day highjacking the shape, making it pink, shiny, and cliché. As my sons were growing up Matt and the boys started a tradition of finding heart-shaped rocks on their fishing trips and giving them to me. I would hold the natural stone, rub the smooth texture and it was healing. Slowly but surely I began to love hearts and started to collect them. Realistically, I was also doing way more emotional work and getting more connected to my heart at that point in my life than when I was a snobby teenager. It took a relationship to soften my heart. Our hearts are relationship-centered. Honoring them with our attention opens space for healing with others and ourselves. It gives us the capacity for love.

When we can show up present, full of empathy, and ready for whatever the day brings we know we have done the hard intentional work of building up capacity and resiliency for our life. In these days, particularly, that is so hard but worth the effort. For me, it means deep breaths, a quiet mind, and intentional prayers to start my morning. Letting go of control and surrendering to the day and what it brings. Being realistic about what I can take on and what I need to lovingly release. Lastly, it means paying attention to my digital habits. 


We can take action to guard these important hearts of ours so life can flow out of us again. 
 

As Kit De Luca says so well in the film Pretty Woman

 “Take care of you.” 

-Dawn Wible

 

Find resources for healthy digital habits at talkmoretechless.com

sources: child mind institute, center for humane technology, digital wellness institute, pew research center,bannerhealth.com, internationaljournalofwellbeing.org

My Phone & Me - 12 Months of Digital Wellness

"Nothing worth having comes easy" - Roosevelt         
 

 
When I think about pain or friction or even grief I want to run hard in the other direction. I want to numb out. To escape into a bliss of positivity instead of facing what I need to face for my growth and for my health. Thankfully, over the years I'm learning a new way of accepting life is hard and good, welcoming grief, and acknowledging that I'm not on my own to walk this road.  This view opens my eyes to truth all around, opens my heart to compassion, and leads me to action. I'm learning this in so many areas of my life, but here I want to get specific about my journey with my phone and what digital flourishing looks like for me.

I had my first cellphone at the end of college. It was an old flip phone. But let's skip on ahead because I left that one at home all the time and never really thought about it. Fast-forward five years and I was in love with my Motorola SLVR. I could listen to my ITunes 🎶 and get ahold of my husband, Matt, anytime I wanted. If I really had time, I could even text (that took a lot longer with the multi-tap old-school telephone keys).  When our first son was born, I was a new mom and this thing called the Blackberry was in everyone's hands because you could access the Internet, including your email. I remember the day Matt and I went to the Richland Mall kiosk to buy our new Blackberry.  We ate lunch and discussed how this would not change us. It wouldn't alter how we interacted with each other and we would not be super distracted by them all the time. Then, somewhat reluctantly and excited, we purchased them.

The rest is history!

I say that a little tongue-in-cheek, but it did change a lot. I had never owned anything that made my life that "easy." I could get in touch with anyone anywhere all of a sudden. And them me. I could work from anywhere at any time of the day or night. Even the design was, for the most part, flawless while giving me access to whatever I wanted. And we're not even to the iPhone yet! Once that hit our hands I was "tech neck" down, deep-diving into cyberspace. 

Along with all the incredible things this type of technology gave us access to, I also began to see its pitfalls unfold before my eyes. Just like many of my fellow digital Immigrants (a person born or brought up before the widespread use of digital technology), I saw it change the kids we were working with. I saw it stealing their innocence, sleep, and time. I saw it change my relationships, my marriage, and even the way I parented my second son compared to my first. Like many of you, I had a love-hate relationship with my phone. How did I hold the tension?
 

What would healthy integration look like for me? 

 
First of all, I had to go back to the beginning of knowing my relationship with pain and hard and grief and face that. I couldn't run. I couldn't numb the hurt with scrolling more, like anything else I used to numb. I had to face this. And I did. Additionally, on a global scale, I looked into what this was doing to society on the whole, as well as what it was doing to me. This was all well before there was anything called a Digital Wellness field or line of work. 

 

Talk More Tech Less was organically born out of a lonely place inside me. 

Done with numbing any more pain and with eyes to see the pain in others around me, I had to do something about it.

I started with Matt's outdoor mentorship organization, Field Guides, and the kids he was reaching. I worked with friends, family, organizations I was connected to, and the community around me to help set the vision and build something called a Detox Box for our phones. As a former teacher, I started to reach out to schools and community groups to talk about online safety. I built a website to get the word out and sell awareness apparel and products. I failed and got back up a lot. And most importantly, I started to make changes in my own phone habits, using friction.

When I thought about the idea of creating friction with my easy-to-use phone, I didn't want to jump on it right away. Of course, I didn't. Remember my resistance to hard things? I told myself, I could have easy and still create good boundaries. Well, that doesn't work when it comes to brain hacking. See the Social Dilemma on Netflix.

Don't just take it from me. Look at the data of what the ease and allure of our phone design is doing to us as a whole. We're spending more time on it, spending more money on it, and it's lowering our quality of life, causing higher rates of depression and anxiety the more we are on our screens. In April, the Brain Institute at the University of Pittsburg released the findings of a recent study to the journal, Computers in Human Behavior. The authors determined that users of multiple social media sites, such as Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Google Plus, Instagram, Snapchat, Reddit, Tumblr, Pinterest, Vine, and LinkedIn raised the participant’s depression and anxiety risks compared to their peers not using as many sites and not on as often.  The way we use our phones and the time we spend on them directly impacts our mental health.

So, why not do something about it? 

Here is a definition of friction that I think directly relates to this idea with our phones: Friction is a great measure of opposition to motion.

Tech companies remove design friction to get you to convert to a customer. 
While this does make your experience on your phone easier and potentially less time-consuming on the specific task at hand, it isn't necessarily in your best interest. Let's face it, if it's not going to be a quick and easy transaction, we won't spend the time making the purchase, unless it's really important to us. But making it easy means we work less for it and buy more often. Many times we end up with things we didn't even know we wanted. 

Converting you from a user to a customer is the ultimate goal of the attention economy. It's why AI is learning us. And the truth is, with the way our devices are designed, we are always a customer. Even if we're simply watching, we're consuming content and it is learning us. 

Now I'm not trying to say we all need to go back to my Motorola SLVR, although, some digital minimalists would suggest that. We create positive friction to work FOR our well-being. The idea is to get to the point that you are enjoying your device, flourishing when using it, and coming out of your time on your phone feeling well. To get to this healthier place, something has to give.

There is no growth without a disruption,

and friction is a disruption. I'm going to leave you with practical ways to create friction with your phone.

Limit Notifications - I say this all the time because it's the most important form of friction. When all our apps have notifications on, whether it's banners or tones, it's interfering with our lives. It's the first thing the designer asks when you download an app. This is an important one to communicate to kids too. Their phones will blow up with alerts if they don't actively turn them off.

"Like, subscribe, and make sure to turn on those post notifications!" 
This is a joke in our house. We all look at each other and laugh at the Youtubers my kids watch when they say this. Keep alerts off and go to your phone when you set the time, not the notifications.

Do Not Disturb - This one is my favorite feature on my phone and I use it often when I'm doing uninterrupted work or I'm spending time with someone. Let the phone do the blocking for you, so you don't spend your energy declining or answering messages.

Set Up Downtime for Sleep Health - When it's activated, this feature on your device creates friction because you have to work around it to get into your phone during those times you set. Downtime takes more brain power to turn off while waking up foggy-brained at 5:45 a.m. So, instead of hitting your Instagram icon, you have to shut off Downtime and then get into your phone. Hopefully, you'd just go back to sleep, or have a morning prayer, intention, or other positive way to start your day. 

Talk More Tech Less Detox Box - More on "a home for your phone" later, but this is an important step in creating friction. It is creating actual physical distance from being constantly attached to your body while giving your phone a place.  Bonus: you don't lose your phone as much.

Get specific with your particular habits with which you want to create friction.
~Do you spend money too often? Disconnect your Apple Pay, PayPal, Cash App.... Virtual money exchange is a hard one because it's just SO EASY to spend. But if you're serious, take the links off. Make it where you have to get up and go get your wallet. I promise you'll stick to more purchases that are important enough to do the work.
~Do you scroll constantly? Bury your social media apps deep into your phone folders. Last page. Make it hard to get to. Or, if you really need to break an obsession remove those specific apps from your phone for a while.
~Do you get bogged down with the news? Turn your news notifications off and bury those apps away in your folders. The pop-up alerts and big easy icons keep us coming back more than we otherwise would.
~Do you game way too often for your own good? First of all, don’t shame yourself. That's how the games are designed. But they are literally changing your brain to think about them all the time. Strategy, boredom, escaping—whatever the reason, it's controlling the reward system of your brain, and you need friction.

Friction creates freedom.

Freedom creates healthier boundaries with your phone use. It's a journey, but the ultimate goal is that we want to foster our relationships with people, not with our phones. 

-Dawn Wible

 

Find resources for healthy digital habits at talkmoretechless.com

sources: child mind institute, mclean hospital, center for humane technology, uxdesign.cc, Digital Wellness Institute, pew research center

The Science Of Unplugging

What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? - Mary Oliver

Every month for this 12 Months of Digital Wellness series, I have been living what I’m writing about in real-time. And not intentionally. Truly, it is so particular how it’s unfolding this way. I am on this journey as I’m sharing it with you.

This month, when the kid's Summer break started we went camping a few times, and one of those times was a 5-day digital detox. I heard there would be no cell service where we were going so I went ahead and sent my “out of the office” texts. But I honestly wasn’t sure and wasn’t fully prepared. We were listening to Spotify as we drove down to the camping spot. When the song abruptly stopped, we realized we had lost signal. Boy was it a deafening silence. We were without a signal for the next five days. Our oldest even tried to hike out to a high enough elevation to get a signal on the first day. “Sorry, son!”

By day two, being apart from our phones, laptops, TV, Netflix, podcasts, and yes, music was like taking a deep breath for the first time in a while. I even currently have my phone set up to help me digitally minimize my day, but this was a true break. Going off the grid. On top of that, we were submerged deep into nature. We were surrounded by the sound of a rolling river while we slept, crackling fire while we ate, and the voices of friends and deep words spurring conversations throughout the week.
 

By deep breath, I’m talking a long slow inhale - exhale yoga breath!

I’m learning the importance of incorporating a practice into my life more regularly, and I don’t have to get away to do it. It’s the practice of Unplugging - disconnecting from technology all together for a period.

unplug : 
- to remove what is blocking something

- to take the plug of a piece of electrical equipment out of the place where it is connected to the electricity supply

Am I the supply? 

A study in the International Journal of Health & Addiction identifies increased use of technology as one of the big threats to mental health for adults.  The benefits of unplugging are very clear as well as being extensive. It’s science. Being excessively connected to our devices negatively impacts our mental and physical states, affecting our relationships as well as our work or school performance.

Taking a simple break from my device allows a reset for my body, mind and spirit.  However, we all know it’s anything but simple to step away from our devices for a short time. The tech industry is causing our brains to reject that science and justify just why we can’t spend intentional time off.  
 

Let's talk about the science.

When our phone is present we are neurologically attached to it and everything our brain has been wired to value that is on the other end of that screen.  We also know notifications from our phones trigger our fight-or-flight response. This is an instinctive physiological response of survival that all humans experience when faced with a threat.  It doesn't matter if you are facing physical danger or a pressing email from work, in a moment of stress your body works the same way. The body's sympathetic nervous system kicks into action and hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol are released into the body. (Adrenaline is the specific hormone gaming apps and top tech labs target for us to come back for more.)  Not only will this hormone dump leave us feeling on edge, but continually elevated cortisol levels are linked directly to depression, high blood pressure, obesity, and many more negative health issues. That's why they say - Stress will kill you.  Even though neurologically and physiologically all this is happening in our bodies while on our phones we are mostly unaware of these stressors.  Unless we take time away we will not have a chance to recognize this body response or do anything about it. 

Many studies related to cyberpsychology are showing this correlation between having time away from our devices and increased quality of life. What causes this increased quality of life?  The participants in the studies had “more time” to themselves, to be present and rest internally instead of numbing out on or being overstimulated by devices. They also were less distracted and therefore had “more time” to spend on activities that were important to them and with people who were valuable to them.

 Journal of Travel Research found that people who digitally disconnected during travels felt they experienced better, richer relationships with other people and the world around them.

How many times do we say, “I don’t have time to cook, to read a book, to play, to workout, to walk the dog, to paint, to throw the football.” These are all examples from my own house, FYI!  In short, unplugging can force us to be more creative with how we spend our time and in turn make our time QUALITY. Next month we're going to look at our relationship with our phone and what we can do to set up a more digital minimalist phone. I'm excited to share these decluttering action steps with you!

Every time I speak about digital wellness this caveat is important to mention, so I’ll say it here, too. Of course, there is a time to binge that amazing new series on Netflix with friends, family, or by yourself. There is a time to swipe through fun videos and recipes, hammer out your texts and emails, share that important moment or message on social, listen to that Best of 90’s playlist on Spotify, and catch up on your favorite podcast series and…and…and…
 

Our devices enhance our lives, no doubt about it. 

But I hope you also see that our human bodies, minds, and spirits are starving for what they need regularly: 

Silence. Stillness. A necessary break.

It’s an invitation.

-Dawn Wible

Find resources for healthy digital habits at talkmoretechless.com

sources: center for humane technology, digital wellness institute, pew research center, dictionary, Marissa Higgins, childrensscreentimeactionnetwork Photo: Amy Easley, Stillwater Refuge

Oh Sacred Time - 12 Months Of Digital Wellness #Techresponsibly

In the spirit of the topic we’re covering, I'm keeping this one short and sweet to honor your time.

When we pay attention to TIME, we realize that it connects everything.  For me, so much of my healing has been from seeing how very sacred time has been in my life. I wake up to the truth that there is a thread weaving themes through the fabric of my life, and even throughout all of time’s history.
 

I have this moment. These few breaths of air on this earth. 

You’ve heard it said: 
Time is fleeting. Time is precious. Time is a gift.  
I say YOU are the gift to time, and taking you out of the equation leaves you empty and unfulfilled. Meanwhile, time missed out on you and your gifts, and so did humanity. 

Darkness doesn’t need to destroy us if it can distract us for long enough. 

- Bob Goff

“How are we spending our time?” is not a shaming question, it is an inviting question. Inviting us into spaces of action and creation and the deep waters of life.

In the digital wellness world, we look at the three C’s as focus points on how we’re spending our time online:  
Creating 
Connecting
Consuming

Creating and connecting are both ways we contribute online, whereas consuming is how we take in online content. We will get more in-depth on Contribution vs. Consumption in a later post, focusing on participating in the online world rather than simply viewing the online world. For now, I’ll just say that as important as it is to take in information and consume content, we mentally reach a point where consumption can overwhelm us, whereas creating and connecting can be a more fulfilling way to spend our time online.

Taking stock of how much time we spend on our devices and how we spend time on our devices is a worthwhile investigation. And it is not hard. Our technology does the work for us with all of its tracking. Here’s a practice that broke this down for me. I turned my Screen Time on in the settings on my phone and watched it for a while. It landed on about an average of three hours a day. I then took that 3 hours a day and multiplied it by 365 days. Then I divided that by 24 hours, and the number 45 came up. (Sure there are easier ways to do that math, but that was my process). 45 days this past year spent on my phone. So much of it was good stuff. Talking to and texting friends and family, work, audiobooks or podcasts, maps, pictures and videos, connecting on social media,… Yet I asked myself, “What would I have done differently without my phone to fill those 45 days?”  

Here are a few intentional checkpoint questions. You can write your answers or just contemplate them. 

• How am I spending my time online? What apps am I in the longest, and am I contributing or consuming?

• Am I showing up present and engaged with the people in my life offline?

• Am I present with myself and paying attention to my needs (physical, mental, emotional, relational, spiritual)?

• What am I doing with my time in this season of life?

 Time flies, whether you’re wasting it or not 

- Crystal Woods

-Dawn Wible

Find resources for healthy digital habits at talkmoretechless.com

Do You See Me?

“Let him who cannot be alone beware of community... Let him who is not in community beware of being alone.”  Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

As we're walking this road to #techresponsibly – 12 Months of Digital Wellness, we began by looking back at 2020. We then moved into intention, building a life over a brand. We had to look at ourselves, our mind, and our body, before taking a look at relationships. And we haven't even ventured into the larger societal issues yet. Simply put, it starts within. We have to look inward before we can even begin to look outward. If you haven't yet, I encourage you to go read the previous months (linked below) to continue on this journey.  People are wired for connection from the beginning, in our very brain function.

"Relationships influence the brain more than anything." 

- Adam Young

We need connection to feel safe. Our nervous systems believe that relational disconnection means we are in danger. Connection not only is a survival mechanism but also directly affects our health and happiness. It helps us survive and thrive. Connection is formed by emotional bonds and interactions, and it is strengthened by mutual experiences. When connection, whether online or off, happens, it's magical—it's what we're designed for.  

We need each other. 

Social media platforms have, no doubt, transformed social connections around the world. When we look at the anxiety, depression, and suicide rates that have been on a drastic rise with social media use and phones, which are underreported, it's hard to deny all that is associated with a physical disconnection from relationships. And after this past year, the suffering from the loss of human interaction is just now catching up with us. We need to consider how our interactions turning digital have inextricably linked our phones with our mental health. 

Phones also have no discrimination—every socioeconomic group, gender, race, age, and geographical area is affected. No one can escape the phone trap because we all need our people, and they are on the other end of these tiny black screens. Or are they?  

Let's take a look at a thing called social capital (our social ties and where our energy and investment go) to understand what kinds of relationships we spend time nurturing online.
Bonding Social Capital:  strong relationships between individuals that allow for emotional support, trust, and companionship.
Bridging Social Capital: weak, distant relationships between individuals that make opportunities available for information sharing and knowledge transfer.  
Both are important and worth paying attention to in terms of how much time we invest and where.  

"Well-being has been extensively associated with social bonds. When we use social media as a tool to deepen our strong-tie relationships (i.e. those with close friends and family rather than acquaintances or weak-tie relationships), our well-being increases. When we use it to consume content or compare ourselves to others, well-being decreases. - Digital Communication Media Use and Psychological Well-Being, Oxford, Oct.2019

Being intentional with relationships online & off directly affects our health & happiness.
 

Social media can be deceptive because it provides the appearance of connection while actually making us lonelier. It does this by making surface interactions with weak-tie relationships incredibly convenient. Dr. Vivek Murthy, physician, former Surgeon General of the US, and author of Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, witnessed loneliness first-hand and began studying its effects. He says of social media, "The ease of interacting with our middle and outer circles replaces true interaction with our inner circles." He's not wrong. We can build a friends list of 750 with the click of a button.
Our deep relationships often take a back seat to:

easier interactions

constant access

shorter convos

faster friends

public view & consumption

unlimited availability

efficient messaging

incredible networking opportunities

social media comment debates 

Many of these things are wonderful and have allowed for incredible relationships and life-giving interactions. But those of us who have had positive engagement and experiences online can get defensive and even be blind to the effect the online world has on our social ties as a whole, specifically in younger generations. We are wise to name the tension created in our relationships by social media and the digital age. It can be amazing and horrifying and everything in between. 

Now, let’s explore our IRL (In Real Life) relationships, which are much slower, more complex, complicated, long-standing, harder, awkward, cringey sometimes even, wonderful, and fulfilling. When was the last lingering conversation you had? Many of us are just scratching the surface of knowing the people in our lives and even knowing ourselves. We're living on that exterior level and not "being with" enough to sink into the deeper waters of knowing and being known. What keeps us from these deep, life-giving relationships?  

We long to be seen, known & loved.

The fear of disconnection, rejection, and pain often keeps us from life-giving relationships. Because we’re wired for connection, we fear disconnection. But this fear can keep us from enjoying what we are designed for. We have so much to offer! Our beauty, our minds, our gifts. We humans are “deep waters,” and we all long to “dive in” to connect with others. We long to be seen, to belong. Whether watching a video of themself dancing on their phone over and over, or looking in your eyes with a big ol’ smile, that 4-year-old is saying, "Do you see me?" Whether logging onto a first social media account or stepping through the door at a new friend's birthday party, that 13-year-old is saying, "Do you see me? Do I belong?” And when we are seen, known, and loved, we thrive. 

But, to be seen also takes vulnerability, and vulnerability comes with a cost. We must be willing to risk disconnection, rejection, and deeper hurt. Sometimes being seen isn't received well and doesn't lead to being known and loved. In my life, I can name moments when I wasn't seen and built walls of disconnection. 

But the truth I discovered over and over again is that being unseen is a greater cost. To be unseen is to hold back, to shrink, to stay voiceless. It might even involve screaming out online "Do you see me?" while not allowing those closest to me access. Being unseen is costing lives every day. We see it in youth, in college students, in parents, in the elderly. So many of us are walking through this world unseen, begging for connection in whatever way we can find it, or cutting it off because it just hurts too much to risk.  God is the One who can break down those walls, and He has little by little in my own life as I pursue healing in the broken places of connection in my story.  I then can pursue those broken pieces in others, my kids, my family - changing the course of lives.

Where have you put up walls against deep connections in your life? What is a moment you can remember that you stopped being seen? Digital immigrants (those of us who remember life before online), go way back to before we could "blame" social media for our disconnection. Find those moments in your story that need tending to and healing in the realm of connection and being seen. And then, name them, make space, tell the truth, and reach out.
Remember that you belong here. We need you. We need to see you.
 

"Live in a world that embraces people, not a world that is preoccupied."

Dr. Vivek Murthy, Together 

-Dawn Wible

Find resources for healthy digital habits at talkmoretechless.com

sources: center for humane technology, digital wellness institute, pew research center, childrensscreentimeactionnetwork, sowthat.com, nielsen

Our Bodies Are Speaking ~ 12 Months of Digital Wellness - March

embodied : "in-body"; to fill something completely


Of all the 12 digital wellness themes that we are going to cover this year, the theme of embodiment is the one I am walking through and learning most about myself.

I'm going to explain how this plays out currently in the digital world and our physical health, but first, "the Why." Why have we abandoned our bodies? It’s easier to do than we realize, and it's been happening for a long time. Sometimes we even believe it's the right thing to do because we've been conditioned by culture to shut down or turn away from our bodies.

From authoritarian influences that do not welcome children's emotions to sports themes of "beating our body" into submission for the sake of the win ("no pain, no gain" pushed to unhealthy levels). From biblical misinterpretations of "denying our flesh" to the beauty industry that lures us into its idealized image standards of what our body must physically morph into and go through to achieve "true beauty." From the workaholic lifestyle that pushes our bodies to exhaustion to the tech industry that is literally rewiring our brains to ignore our bodies.

What if we stopped and listened to our bodies instead?

My bestie, Emily Mills, is the founder of an organization called Jesus Said Love, whose purpose is to awaken hope and empower change in the lives of those impacted by commercial sex exploitation and trafficking. She held an event called A Space For Love in January 2020. That small group of women had no idea at the time what our bodies and minds needed to make space for in the coming months. It was a very timely event that taught us about honoring our whole selves. As I took notes, I wrote these words she said in big bold letters:

"Our bodies are our prophets."

The truth is, we can only push through for so long until our bodies begin to tell us information that we need to stop and listen to. I've lived much of my life forgetting my body, but it has not forgotten me. It is very much a part of my healing journey. Thank God. He chases me down in so many ways, and this is one of them. "Be still and know that I am God." When I take the time to stop, quiet myself, and pay attention to what I'm feeling in my body, I heal. I learn. I live. And I am connected to the Divine. "For in Him we live and move and have our very being."

Ignoring our bodies looks different for everyone. Sometimes it's stuffing things down for so long until they come painfully out. Some get to the point where they can't even feel the physical pain anymore. They haven't felt good in so long that they've forgotten what good feels like. At one point in my adult life, I had so much internal stress I was pushing through I didn't even see it until the stress physically came out of my body as shingles. I was forced to slow down and take an assessment of my pace of life.

My body spoke.

I honor it by listening.  What is your body saying?  When speaking on digital wellness, I offer this same technique to parents, students, and communities: "checking in" and listening to our bodies to pay attention to our needs.  I share all this with you because many of us operated apart from what our bodies needed well before the digital world fell into our hands in the form of a phone.  When it comes to our physical health, we are seeing all kinds of issues that need tending to in the realm of digital wellness and human bodies. Our bodies were just not made to carry all that our phones are doing to us and it’s beginning to show. 

The sleep health epidemic is continuing to rise. Seventy million Americans are now dealing with sleep disorders, 90 million Americans take prescription sleep aids, and melatonin sales have increased 500% in recent years.  

We know that sleep loss affects every major system in the human body.

Our sleep health should be prioritized. It is recommended for kids to be off of devices one hour before bedtime, or at least 30-minutes before according to the National Sleep Foundation. The blue light from devices can interfere with sleep by suppressing the production of melatonin, a natural hormone released in the evening to help you feel tired and ready for sleep.

Speaking of blue light, eye health, tech neck, turtle neck, and eye strain are just some of the headlines that we read about in the news today, affecting our bodies and our children's bodies in ways doctors have never seen. Blue light glasses protecting our eyes and increased rates of myopia developing in children are beginning to be more heavily researched.  These concerns might drive new laws and standards for optometry.

More recently with the shift to virtual learning and home offices, due to the COVID-19 pandemic, we're seeing even more alarming physical deterioration from overuse of screens and sedentary lifestyles. Placing healthy boundaries on our technology is directly correlated with relieving physical issues in our bodies and encouraging the next generations (our kids and grandkids) to join us in fostering active, healthy lifestyles.

It's also important to find ways to use technology to create new positive habits.  Track your health, movement, or sleep. Eliminate phones from kid's bedrooms to create nighttime routines (you might want to check out a tool such as Loftie).  I choose to follow healthy eating, stretching, and movement accounts on my social media to keep motivation in front of my blue light guarded eyes :)  Evaluate ways you and your family can value these very important bodies we live in.  They are for us, so let's not be against them!  I'm going to leave you with what our family kept saying to each other last year in the middle of the lockdown,

"OK, everyone, let's look up from our screens and go
MOVE our bodies!"

-Dawn Wible

Find resources for healthy digital habits at talkmoretechless.com

sources: center for humane technology, digital wellness institute, pew research center, childrensscreentimeactionnetwork, nielsen, Pslam 46:10 and Acts 17:28, Rockhopper Osteopathic clinic, optometrytimes.com

My Undistracted Mind - February - 12 Months of Digital Health

un·dis·tract·ed - able to concentrate fully on something; not distracted.

usedopamine.com advertisement -
”Our platform uses AI and neuroscience to personalize moments of joy in your app. It adapts the rhythm and timing of 💥s (dopamine hits) to surprise and hook each user. They’ll stay longer and engage more. Up to 167% more.”

Our beautiful human design is being studied & monetized. How do we take back our mind and learn to protect this very important part of our humanity?

Grab a cup of hot tea and settle in for this read. I even challenge you to set aside any distractions and take in this content deeply and fully focused.

We've all been here, picking up our phone to put a dentist date in the calendar, but wait, a text. 

Read: "School is closed tomorrow due to icy weather".
Text husband "kids are out tomorrow, adjust work".
Group texts begin, "Check school social media, guys".
Open instagram for school account, "But wait. I want to make those delicious-looking nachos tonight for dinner!  No, even better, I want to ORDER that lasagna for dinner." Click, swipe. Dinner done. Scroll some more, "Oh my gosh, my nephew got married and I didn't know?!" Text sister, "He's married?" Ok, what was I looking for again? Oh yeah, school social. Yep, school is canceled. 

...dentist appt. never made ;)
2 days later. Oh yeah, I need to make a dentist appt. When? Open calendar...repeat.

Using research-based tools for digital flourishing we are going to look at why our minds are so scattered right now and how to make steps toward a healthier brain.

.

.

I was speaking at a digital wellness training last weekend when I was asked a question by a college intern.  "How can I take time for myself and my mental health if I need to be available at all times for my colleagues to contact me?  We're working on very important projects and they need to get ahold of me at all hours of the day and night. I can't be away from my phone."  This is actually a very common conundrum and I have this conversation often. Parents away from kids, spouses and partners away from one another, suicidal friends at risk, work, school, travel, co-parenting, family members battling illness, hospital calls,... This is a reality for so many of us. 

We. Can't. Be. Away. From. Our. Phones.  

But statistically, most of the time we're not contacting people on our phones. (You can see on your screen-time settings, what you use your phone for most.)  Many times we use it for other purposes, but we are neurologically attached relationally to keep it with us at all times.

I recently noticed a new trend.  Many of us apologize now when we read a text and reply later than when it came in. Like we're actually on the timetable of someone else's life.
"Oh, I'm sorry I'm just seeing this. Yes, I have a dress you can borrow."
"Sorry, I didn't see your message until just now. That is so funny what he said to you!" 
Or, when we're living our moment, whether it's cooking dinner, working, or talking to the kids, and a text comes in, our life stops and we pick up someone else's schedule that they are on, while ours takes a back seat. 
Actually evaluating the important disruptions that we should tend to vs. the distracting disruptions that can be set aside for the time being is valuable work. When we can move toward healthy limits with our phones our brains will thank us.

 Boundaries do not mean we are weak,
they mean we are strong, smart & healthy.

From our January email Building a Life, Not a Brand...

Your mind  ✓ When building a life, you're living from a quiet mind that is firmly rooted in who you are, and your belonging.  Everything on and off your phone flows from that security.  When building a brand, you're living from a place of needing affirmation and engagement to bring self-fulfillment. 

Our minds are starving for silence and we don't even know it because our world is so noisy, fast, and full of everyone and everything we want, right at the swipe of a thumb.  (Fun fact: even your thumb swipe is being studied, down to the very things you slow down on while you're scrolling through social media. So, as the algorithms learn you - what you want to keep seeing, what images and links to put in front of you, predicting you - you're actually unlearning yourself.)

Why do we need to make space for silence when we can have it all?
 

pinterest.com

I'm grateful to have sound resources available for us as we walk this road to digital well-being for our mental health. Here are some that hopefully can help you and your families along the way (more links below): 

.

Step one. Make 3 stress resiliency deposits in your day. You can choose some from this list. We had a LOT of daily walks and daily prayers last year in our home. These deposits prove to lower your stress by raising your stress threshold and quieting your mind daily. 

Step Two.  Implement times when you are not on your phone's time. This will eliminate multi-tasking and clear space for you and what is important to you.  
Do Not Disturb on my phone settings. I use this often when I'm deep in work, relational connection, and before bedtime.
Freedom app is another great option. 

Here's to moving forward with more clarity in these important lives of ours.

 #techresponsibly

~Dawn Wible

Find resources for healthy digital habits at talkmoretechless.com

Build a Life. Not a Brand. Pt. 2 ~ 12 Months of Digital Wellness - January

If you haven't yet, I suggest you go back and read Part 1 from our last email, or scroll down to the bottom of this email for a quick recap to see how we're exploring this topic.

How do you know if you are building a life or a brand? 

Using research-based points for digital flourishing we are going to do some gentle self-observations and allow ourselves to be open.  I do these check-ins for myself and I am still learning, growing, and releasing new places.  You're not self-condemning, you're just exploring motivations for your own well-being. It's okay, it's important, and it's good. 

Here we go

Your mind  ✓ When building a life, you're living from a quiet mind that is firmly rooted in who you are, and your belonging.  Everything online and off flows from that security.  When building a brand, you're living from a place of needing affirmation and engagement to bring self-fulfillment. The former allows you to not be too strongly affected by the content you put out and the content you consume. You don't "need" it.  "30% of 18-44 year olds feel anxious if they haven’t checked their social media in the last 2 hours." -Center for Humane Technology, Sept.2020
 

Your People  ✓ When building a life and not a brand you care more about those in your everyday life than you do about gaining likes on your followers list. This can even be applied online with close friends.  "Well-being has been extensively associated with social bonds. When we use social media as a tool to deepen our strong-tie relationships (i.e. those with close friends and family rather than acquaintances or weak-tie relationships), our well-being increases. When we use it to consume content or compare ourselves to others, well-being decreases. - Digital Communication Media Use and Psychological Well-Being, Oxford, Oct.2019
 

Your Time ✓When building a life and not a brand you carve out and value time offline. Unplugging, stepping away from the screen, and pouring into yourself and others are imperative for your health. This is getting more and more important as relationships, work, and school are all on screens.  The U.S. was found to have a 215% increase in time spent on mobile devices last year. - Nielsen, 2020  "One month away from social media leads to a significant improvement in emotional well-being, including a reduction in loneliness and an increase in happiness, as well as a significant reduction in political polarization."-aea journal, March 2020
 

Your Moments ✓ When building a life and not a brand you live in the moment rather than focusing on building the moment for your social media platform.

Live the moment, then share; don't live the moment to share. 

Becoming aware of this is important. We have all experienced it due to what the platform has done to our brains.  "People who took photos to share on social media experienced less enjoyment and less engagement with the scene compared to those who took photos purely for their own pleasure. Closer analysis indicates that taking photos to share on social media increases a user's focus on their own self-identity and self-presentation, distracting them from connecting to the world around them."  
"The mere presence of a mobile phone can disrupt the connection between two people, leading to reduced feelings of empathy, trust, and a sense of closeness." -  Peer-reviewed research, DWI Digital Wellness Institute, Center for Humane Technology
 

Your Character ✓ When building a life and not a brand you care more about your own integrous heart, humility, speech & actions, than you do about winning an argument on all the FB comments.  What your kids believe about your character matters more than any influencer or follower online, and your kids are watching you.  Don't simply get lured by trends, but stand up for your beliefs with authenticity in all areas of life. "Each word of moral outrage added to a tweet increases the rate of retweets by 17%. It takes very little effort to tip the emotional balance within social media spaces, accelerating further polarization." -PNAS, July 2017

When we spend the time to evaluate these vulnerable places in our own lives and online engagement, then we can have the empathy to see others more clearly as well.  Not simply their "brand", we see them as a life.  We can think deeply about the other person, and their experiences, and not get blinded by the quick judgment we've been conditioned to make.  We begin to listen and work together as complicated human beings, not just polarized opinions or pretty faces. We can step back and see the whole truth, the whole person, and use our tech to promote wisdom, goodness, and justice.

How do you build a life and not a brand?  Focus your energy where it is best spent - Life.  
The rest is the icing on the cake, not the cake itself.


 

Approach your screen as an avenue for authentic connection & a tool for life. This will promote your 
mental & relational well-being.  #techresponsibly

Find resources for healthy digital habits at talkmoretechless.com

Build a Life. Not a Brand. Pt. 1 - 12 Months of Digital Wellness - January

"The roots of loneliness are very deep and cannot be touched by optimistic advertisement" Henri Nouwen

By brand identity, I'm not talking business brand here, I'm talking your humanity.

Before we can even venture into healthy tech habits and all the nitty-gritty of digital wellness for our mental and relational health this year, we have to first ask the question, Why? Why are screens replacing so much of our real life and why is our humanity taking a harmful back seat?

When I speak on digital wellness I present the two original purposes (the whys) of technology - productivity & connection. Think airplanes, telephones, factories. When we keep our technology "serving us and not mastering us", as author Gretchen Rubin says, we are using it for its original purpose. We all know that can be a great thing! It sure was this past year when we could FaceTime family to stay connected while in quarantine. Powerful and important social movements and messages changed us and moved us to action. We stayed entertained and bonded over Disney+Mando episodes and yes, all the wonderful memes that got us through 2020 and are still going (hello Bernie!) As well, many of us were able to move school and work home because of our technology serving us.

There is one major aspect that gets in the way of this goal though, and it deeply affects our lives. It is the current place we find ourselves in technology development. It's called The Attention Economy and at the level it has progressed, it is unethical to our humanity, especially the younger generations.

Holding tech accountable to its purposes is vital.

When it comes to screens, our technology is no longer designed to be a tool to help us live life, it's designed to make money off of keeping us engaged. That means when we're on, it's happy and when we get off of it, it's going to find a way to try and lure us back. It uses basic human needs to keep our attention.

What is the very thing we're all wired to long for, even if we don't know it? Belonging. Connection.

Here's what MIT sociologist and psychologist Sherry Turkle says about the over-reliance on technology that is crushing our sense of self. “When they’re always connected, children, adolescents and adults become dependent on the presence of others for validation in the most basic ways,” says Turkle. “They start to need other people to feel validated and they cannot approach others as full, individual, differentiated people.”

Our screens are literally changing our brains to keep us engaged. Here's the most recent example of this happening. Social media, with its dopamine reward system, encourages 24/7 engagement, attaching our minds to it relationally, even when we're not on it. We’re just not made for that and it wears on us, even if we don't know it. The divisive and polarizing arguments, all-eyes-on-me culture, and the voyeuristic crash-and-burn stories going viral. The truth about where social media is headed and how we got here is that humans are involved and being manipulated in a social experiment. We're the product. So it's going to be messy, heartbreaking, and beautiful. The sooner we understand that power and let go of the pressure to try and thrive in the system, the sooner we'll be able to approach our screens with more authenticity, spending our energy where it matters. Your glory, online and off, lies in your understanding of the truth.

The hard part about Snap is it’s a snapshot of the truth.

Here is the truth: Your story and work are deep and wide and all sorts of good, hard, and honest, with so many redemptive layers. Your whole you is not meant to be consumed by a quick scroll and judgment on Insta. For all the beauty and good being created on social media, it can be judgy, and the platform can affect your state of being. So let this sink in.

Your worth is not defined by a logo, post, or filter.

Here is what you are not: You are not a brand. You are not a headshot. You are not a filter. You are not a snap. You are not shallow. You do not have to have the right amount of hearts to have a heart that is valuable. You do not have to subscribe to one way of thinking or being in order to have a voice. You do not have to build your life around what others might want to see or consume from you.
Here is what you are: You are a wonderfully, knit-together, brilliant, intricate, and complicated human being. You are worth being fully known. You are worth time, effort, and pursuit. You are valued, regardless of likes. Your life is sacred and meaningful.

Your moments can be shared or they can be kept to yourself. You get to decide, and learning the power in both will be the key.

How do you know if you are building a life or a brand? Find out on our next email where we'll do some gentle self-observations, I do these check-ins for myself and they help as I am learning and growing here.

 

Find resources for healthy digital habits at talkmoretechless.com

*sources: center for humane technology, digital wellness institute, pew research center, sherryturkle.mit.edu, unplughq.com, childrensscreentimeactionnetwork, nielsen

2021 ~ A Year Of Digital Wellness #techresponsibly

#techresponsibly a Map to Digital Wellness in 2021

Allow me to be honest. I'm longing to set intentions and take action steps toward my own digital habits for health this year and I bet I'm not alone. We all need a reset after this past year.

Here is a small glimpse into 2020: 
~ Since March, there has been a 300% increase in the google search topic "how to get my brain to focus"
~ Economic stress rose from 46% in 2019 to 70% in 2020
~ Work stress rose from 64% in 2019 to 70% in 2020
~ Future of the nation stress rose from 66% in 2019 to 82% in 2020
~ Parents had the largest increase in stress, but kids and others felt it as well.
~ According to WHO (World Health Organization) stress is now considered a world wide epidemic 

With our screens, news, school, work, and communication all in front of our face 24/7 we are feeling the weight and the cost of what we have walked through this past year. As much as our phones saved connection, the research is showing that the over-connectedness took a toll on our brains, bodies, and closest relationships.

So, I'm stepping into 2021 with a sober, yet hopeful perspective. 

For the next 12 months Talk More. Tech Less. is offering steps towards Digital Flourishing.  Topics to keep our eyes up, our minds clearer, and our relationships connected. Once a month here, within our email community, and on our Instagram we will be covering areas that affect our digital, and therefore, our IRL (in real life) physical world. 

So, be on the lookout for our January deep dive into the #techresponsibly
the topic of Build a LIFE, not a BRAND. 

And don't forget to check out our products for healthy digital habits at home at talkmoretechless.com

*sources- peer-reviewed research: center for humane technology, digital wellness institute, pew research center, journal of consumer research

Gaming - Moving Aggression to Perspective

Vulnerable post - 

This mom of three boys is learning. All born after 2005, my young guys are digital natives and know nothing of life before screens were on the scene. Though the world around me and my childhood wasn’t screen-filled, I do vividly remember my first Nintendo entering our home with Duck Hunt and Super Mario Brothers to entertain us on Friday nights. I can feel the excitement in me now when it was finally my turn to play. In addition, I also remember the heat on my face when my Mario guy died right before completing the level on my nineteenth try at that world. I couldn’t move on to the next level and had to redo that world all over again. I almost made it to the end - the rage! 

I was a sister to four brothers and knew gaming well.

Now I’m raising three boys and oh how the gaming industry has evolved since the days of Duck Hunt. Of course, my boys do plenty of other activities. They love Legos and the outdoors. Yet we also let them game. Someone asked me the other day, “Is it hard for you to let your boys play digital games knowing the brain science for kids in addition to knowing the business side of this gaming industry?” The answer: It’s a struggle. It is a letting go. It is a part of the parenting journey.

Isn’t life that way, though? Just as there are dangers and hesitations in handing your teen their first phone, handing them the keys to their first car, setting up their first social media account, saying yes to them going out with friends alone, sending them on their first date - there are these constant “letting go’s” that we do during their life. Hopefully, these experiences happen while our kids are in our homes so we can model, learn, guide, and help set up healthy boundaries. Many times we don’t do these acts without guidelines, conversations, trainings even ( plug here: Smartphone Ed.) do we?

Yes, I know the research on gaming addiction. I do realize that Fortnite has hit more than $1 billion in revenue from people pouring their time and money into this game. I stay up to date on the research of elevated aggression in the brains of the players. This is why we delay access to gaming for our boys while young. As my kids get older into their teen years, we set limits and gradually allow access. I do feel the gaming industry has a hold on a generation that is not only distracting them from their lives but dangerously changing their brains to survive in a virtual world apart from the place they are meant to thrive. This is the very reason it’s important, whether that’s social media or gaming, for us to not run from the digital culture, but to face it, with common sense, age-appropriate healthy habits, and modeling, while pushing for legislative accountability and change in the industry.

The truth is our teens want to be where their friends are and where life is happening. To hold them back from that and not give them age-appropriate access while they are living in our homes can later prove to be a disservice to them. We can hold to our values, pass them on to our kids, and let them be on devices with their friends. It can happen, but it will take pressing through the challenges, setting up time boundaries, keeping to your guidelines, giving consequences for tantrums, listening, questioning, and a lot of learning. This is the hard and intentional parenting life. It is inconvenient. It disrupts our busy. It interrupts our numbing out. And it sets our kids up for a life of guidance and freedom.

Let me set the scene of a moment in our home recently when one of my sons mowed yards to save up for his first X-box. Most of his friends have some sort of gaming device and he wanted to be included in this fun. “FUN” is the important term here. As he and Dad ran to get the Xbox, Mom was typing out the “Wible Home Xbox Guidelines” :) You can roll your eyes there - he wanted to. He was very obviously not happy with the time limits, the 3 strikes of anger and your out rules, and the simple fact that I had any say in his playing time. Through a few days of us back and forth on his frustrations with losing, even yelling at the game I finally sat down with him Tuesday night. I listened to his pleading for no boundaries like his school friends get and so on. I let him get out all of his frustrations with me and I finally said, “I hear you and I’m glad to know how you feel. You wanted to have fun with your friends. You worked hard to pay for this, I know. I also know that your anger and aggression when you have to get off of the game is real. The aggression you feel when you lose or when something in the game is not fair is part of the reason I’m setting up these boundaries. Do you like those feelings when they come up inside you?” “No”, he says. I continue, “The longer you are on the game the more real and important the game becomes to you. So, no I’m not going to let you play for 6 hours into the night. No, you can’t eat dinner and fall asleep to playing this game. Yes, I’m going to take the privilege away and push through your protests when you start violating the guidelines set up. Yes, you bought this with your money, but you live in the home that Dad and I pay for so you are not in charge of these time limits. And most importantly, I love you, your mind, and your life. I want you to learn healthy habits and until you can show us that you are we’re going to make the call. Maybe we can revisit these guidelines and re-adjust after a while if we need to, but you will have to earn those privileges”. I felt a breakthrough with him. He felt seen, heard, and understood at the same time as internally desiring those boundaries.

After that invested time things have been better. The other night before dinner he turned off his game and asked if he could make cookies. After they were done he tasted them and said I can taste every ingredient I put in these. This is my best batch. I love this kid. I know the deeper work of parenting isn’t easy. The inconvenient moments in our day will happen again and we will have to dig deep to help him move from aggression to real-life perspective, but I will keep pressing into what we stand for and allow our kid to hopefully build skills that will help him when he is on his own.

For those of you raising your kids in this digital world, hear me say - we are learning. This is new to all of us. Do you know how many parents say that to me? The studies out there on social media and gaming attached to anxiety, depression, and suicide are not to be ignored and are not to be feared. We don’t throw in the towel and numb out. We don’t run, hide, or pretend the issues our kids are dealing with are not there. We don’t leave them on their own to deal with all this. We don’t take it all away. We model first. We listen - we learn - we guide - we dig deep and do the work of connection and relationships. Because it matters. They matter.

Last week I felt I was losing. Today I feel that I’m learning.

-Dawn Wible

UPDATE (5 years later) Back in 2020, my son decided to sell his gaming system. We offered enough real-life activities with school, friends, and the outdoors, that he opted out of the way the game made him feel and was over it. The good part is it was all his decision. Stay active, parents. Stay involved. It’s worth it.

Due to working ten years in the digital wellness and safety field and parenting three kids/teens in a digital age, I am now more actively participating in online safety policy work to help hold tech companies accountable for the manipulative, unethical, and illegal design of their products.

Why My Mind Matters

It's a New Year.  Many are resetting their bodies, digestive systems, workout plans, and personal organization.  I'm resetting my mind. 

source: usedopamine.com

Trigger: something that serves as a stimulus and initiates a reaction or series of reactions. 

Ding.  Click.  Scroll.  Our brains are trained to have triggers that call us back to our devices.  I've taken a few weeks off of the interweb & social media posting to "rest" and "reset" my mind this holiday, as well as giving my full attention to those in my life.  The word reset means to "set anew'.  In the context of our minds, doesn't that sound dreamy?

source: by Douglas Coupland at artnet.com

It was a great break, but even with the time off, my mind was still so very active.  My personality also makes it hard for my mind to rest - learning this is part of my spiritual growth.  But there is a lot of recent brain science reporting that this technology age is not helping my mind rest. It's actually doing the opposite.  This past year in the news many learned of the current dopamine labs created to literally change our brains to cause addiction to their apps, games, and social media. 

“ ”Our platform uses AI and neuroscience to personalize moments of joy in your app. It adapts the rhythm and timing of 💥s to surprise and hook each user.  They’ll stay longer and engage more.  Up to 167% more.” ”

— -usedopamine.com 

Those users they're talking about are you, me, our kids, our society.  While these tech companies develop mind-altering technology many of them keep devices far away from their own children and even themselves because they know the effect it will have on their brains, their habits, and eventually their lives. 

We've been studying and following, not only American but the global tech giants: Apple, Amazon, Google, Facebook, Microsoft, The Alibaba Group, and Tencent Holdings for a few years now.  We learned years ago that many of these executives, including the creator of the iPhone, Steve Jobs, along with the creator of Twitter limited their kids and themselves on their devices.  The very people building the technology are now learning to set their own boundaries and some even regretting and recognizing what they have done to our society and world.  

“A former Facebook executive has said he feels “tremendous guilt” over his work on “tools that are ripping apart the social fabric of how society works”, joining a growing chorus of critics of the social media giant.”

— Julia Carrie Wong, theguardian.com

source: nytimes.com

"All this talk of hacking human psychology could sound paranoid, if Harris had not witnessed the manipulation firsthand." - The Atlantic, on Tristan Harris

Even with this knowledge, realizing the top Silicone Valley schools are raising low-tech kids in a high-tech world, our public education systems are moving quickly to all electronics.  Our restaurants are providing iPads for kids to play on while eating. Our culture is face down - tech-neck and all - behind our screens.  
We've been bringing awareness to this issue and creating products to help families unplug for a few years now.  I do have a strong belief that awareness can bring change and 2017 did just that.  For many the tide is changing and the truth is coming forward thanks to recent research, neuroscience, and news outlets. 

What does all of this mean for us?  What can the everyday person do in the shadow of these huge companies with all the allure they offer us and our families 24 hours a day?

We can listen to the research. 

We can be smart.

Boundaries for myself and my family do not mean we are weak, they mean we are smart.  Looking at the facts about what this is doing for our mental health is key for setting good standards in our homes and on our devices. 

As I look afresh at this year, 2018, and all its possibilities - I see a year of clarity.  I need to step into a place of making space for a restful mind.  What does that look like for me? 

Well, it looks like logging off and being human for a hot minute. 

First, I need to surrender my control and all the things I want to check off my lists. When I let go of that rigid grip I can quiet my mind enough to listen to what's important in this season of life.  The second is realigning my boundaries.  Where in my life have I strayed from them, from self-care, spiritual growth, family time, discipline in my work/home/parenting, and healthy boundaries in my technology use?  Lastly, I can practice gratitude. When I do that I am present in this life I'm living and not looking for something to fill me, or fill my time. 

If you're seeking ways to reset or just opportunities to unplug, please check out the products we offer at talkmoretechless.com - from our very own Smartphone Ed. for first-time smartphone users, to our little phone decals to help remember to flip your phone over and connect with those in the moment.  Most of all, we hope you have a year of clarity.  A year of mindful rest to listen and do what it is you were made for in this life!

phone decal - talkmoretechless.com

We THE PEOPLE

Listen. 

Can you hear your people? Because they are your people, America. The scared, hurt, elated, rejoicing humans on the other side of the screen at which you are staring.  Can you hear this divided nation speak? Can you stop typing long enough to listen? We are the PEOPLE. 

“Nasty” was the word for this past election. That term permeated many of our avenues of communication and media from the top down. It was used in political advertisements, networks, new stations, news websites, media, and social media alike. Historically, elections are “nasty”, but this technological age takes it to a whole new level. Behind a screen and with the tool, or weapon, of a keyboard, our typed words have public and global power like never before. They can pierce the hearts and minds of young and old, rage soaking through the very letters clicking away under your fingers. 

The beautiful thing about freedom is we have the “right” to use our voices of influence for good or evil. Our views, concerns, issues, and persuasions should be heard. We are better people when we speak up, listen and learn. Though, speaking up and not staying silent doesn’t mean we should rub one another's faces in the mud. The voices that are loud, mean, and full of hate and self-righteousness stifle the ability to cognitively listen, learn, and grow.  Empathy is formed with eye contact and face-to-face interactions. With our culture, especially these younger generations, those interactions are happening less and less. 

I’ve been speaking and writing about “The ‘Human’ Cyberbully". The victims and perpetrators of cyberbullying are all people behind these screens.  Our kids are reading our posts and comments. They are developing human beings who are learning, watching, taking notice, imitating, and acting out. 

 If we, adults, forget we are typing these things about real, life-breathing humans - with hearts and souls, history and story - when we are commenting on Facebook posts, then how can we expect our kids to grow up with any amount of empathy for others?  What is the point of pushing anti-cyberbullying campaigns in schools when all our kids have to do is hop on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat to see mom, dad, grandpa, aunt, and uncle tearing people to shreds with their words and self-righteous ideas of how they are RIGHT. 

Adults, models, influencers - listen. How can we make laws on cyberbullying to keep kids from committing suicide if we can’t lace our words today with grace and truth? Our babies…babies! (ages 12 and 14) in this country are getting prosecuted in court for their hateful words against their, now-deceased, classmates. We have a responsibility.

In no way am I saying for our political culture to be silent. Our voices can be heard in humane and respectful methods.  I am just asking us to model respect! Historically, that is the best avenue for change anyway. 

So, I’ll say here what we teach 7th and 8th graders in the schools about posting online:

“If you wouldn’t look someone in the eye and say it to their face, full of empathy as a person…don’t post it.”

Here’s to our country speaking with grace, compassion, and truth. Here's to listening to one another, moving on, and growing. The election is over, now the work begins. Let’s realize our words are a part of our history and our future.