“She had begun to let the truth of her story reside in her body” - Redeeming Heartache

As I sat across the table with my half-eaten taco in front of me, I stared into the eyes of my boys, and my appetite was gone.

We were at Ninfas, our favorite restaurant in Waco for over two decades. This table held a lot of history for our family. I remember back to the days when I was dating their dad and he sat across from me at this very table. So many double dates with friends, meetings, family dinners, planning/work sessions, and reunions with college friends. The numerous times I stood by the table and bounced a crying baby on my hip while I scarfed down my Pechuga Alfonso. Those very babies were now meeting my gaze as a high schooler and middle schooler.

On this particular occasion, I’d take a fussy baby in a restaurant over this meal. It was time to tell them my story. I can do hard things. I can do this hard conversation. Talk about TALK MORE...here we go.

I shared with them how I suffered an early childhood experience of s*xual abuse by a non-family member and kept the experience from my family, holding it inside for a long time. The tears in my eyes were met by their compassion-filled eyes. As we talked, they both had good questions. There was a little awkward fidgeting from my middle schooler, but I felt seen by them in a new way - which was equally brave and scary.

Before we left, I reached my hands past the unfinished taco plates, baskets of chips, and red and green sauce, and grabbed their arms. “I know there are times, for whatever reason, Dad and I have made you feel like you couldn’t come to us with things going on in your life, both big and small. We want you to know that you can bring anything to us. We can handle the bigness of it. We are here for you both.” They tenderly said back, “We know you are, Mom.”

I am a survivor. That took a long time for me to name.

I am a skin cancer survivor. Gah, I miss baking in the sun and I don’t like hats. That was a hard one to face. But after having three spots cut out of my skin, and being told by one classless plastic surgeon, “It’s only a matter of time” to which I cried in Matt’s arms and finally faced the reality that this was my new normal. I have to take care of my skin.

I am also a spiritual abuse survivor. I won’t go into the many thoughts I have on the popular Rise and Fall of Mars Hill Podcast, my complicity over the decades of church life, and my new-ish lens of what His kingdom on earth looks like on this earth - but that’s not what I’m here to write currently.

And I’m a childhood sxual abuse survivor.* After going to counseling twenty-five years ago and then unlocking a deeper layer of healing two years ago during COVID-19 quarantine, I’ve learned how to allow the truth of my healing journey to better play out in my daily life.

It’s why I see stories of victims of CSAM, Childhood Sxual Abuse Material, online and work to do something about it. It’s why I foresaw those issues when smartphones came on the scene. It’s why I work to train parents, schools, and adults about the vulnerability of unsupervised access to strangers on the internet. It’s why I joined my best friend going into strip clubs 18 years ago as she started an organization, Lovely Village, a healing community for survivors of sxual trauma. It’s why I advocate for legislation to hold Meta (Facebook) and other Big Tech companies accountable for the greater potential of virtual reality assault in this growing MetaVerse.

“Epic Games CEO Tim Sweeney ‘The metaverse will be made up of many types of experiences and will not be controlled by any one company,’ Sweeney said. ‘This will require all of us who are building toward this future to create experiences that are not only interoperable but also take the safety of our audiences into account, no matter their age. By making KWS parent verification free we hope to enable more developers to create safer digital experiences while empowering parents to make the choices that are right for their families.’"

At a recent Talk More. Tech Less. student presentation, a 4th-grade girl came up to me and the counselors after the meeting. She asked, “What if I sent someone I don’t know a picture that I wish I didn’t? If I broke my computer screen would that picture be gone?” 4th grade. That’s a 9-year-old.

Of course, after the intervention and help we got her, as well as making sure to explain to her the difference between physical objects (her computer) and digital media, it was reinforced to me again the power we are putting in the hands of children without equipping them with the tools, protection, and training for their health and safety online.

This is why I do this work. This work, as difficult as it is, is a gift.

This gift is also a part of shining a light on CONNECTION. We need one another. I’m living this out in my own life relationships. Back to the table at Ninfas with my boys. Connection requires vulnerability. The eye contact. The physical and emotional bonds. The honesty met with empathy. Connection. As important as monitors and filters are, all the best software in the digital world can’t compare to secure attachments. Our voice and our investment in our kids are irreplaceable. Opening up so they can know us, and us being a safe place to let them be and be known is vital.

I blow it all the time, but what I continue to learn over and over, as a parent - and as a person, for that matter - is this: The very best gift we can give each other is our presence. We will mess up. But we have to choose to continue to show up. As we struggle, we can be there for each other. When someone shares, we can give them our ear, and if needed, our words. I am not in a relationship to be passive, distracted, or even controlling - speaking to my recovering self here.

I am here to “be with”, just as God is with.

Relationships require us to do hard but worthy work. As we engage in that work we gently become who we are meant to become together.

Our suffering doesn’t get a witness…until it does - Nadia Bolz-Weber

- Dawn

Find resources for healthy digital habits at talkmoretechless.com

sources: designedwithkidsinmind.us, center for humane technology, digital wellness institute, child mind institute,fairplayforkids.org, washingtonpost.com,