“I just get lonely sometimes. I want someone to take away my grief”. - Waterdeep
Still the best invention - PEOPLE
This is the Talk More. Tech Less. motto, because we believe in it. Yet the truth is, we the people, can be hard, complicated, and cause harm to each other. We can also be the glory of a lifetime well lived and loved if we choose the harder road of investing in us.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
Naming places of loneliness is an important part of being human. We know that we are inextricably connected to one another, whether we are alone or together. We long for connection. When the individual is affected, so is the collective. We are NOT made to live life alone. Isolated. Every decision we make affects the other. That being said…
It’s the holiday season
The holidays have been a time that brings deep joyous traditions and for many trauma, and sadness triggering seasonal depression. Last year many of us spent the holidays at home, FaceTiming or just scrolling through all the creative ways we were practicing isolated holiday traditions. Some of it was unique and fun, and some of it was heartbreaking. But we lived it and it affected us. Many of our relationships changed this last year.
The May 2021 American Perspectives Survey finds that Americans report having fewer close friendships than they once did, talking to their friends less often, and relying less on their friends for personal support.
This is sad to me, but at the same time, I get it. Unless we were knitted into a close quarantine community we were isolated from others and then offered one avenue to “connection” outside of our home: the screen. Whether it was news, zoom work calls, FaceTime, gaming, or social media, this was our link to the outside world.
Times of solitude may cause us to long for one another, and for many of us, it did. We grieved and appreciated what we lost. We journaled. We prayed for the world. We remembered big dinners, live shows, gatherings, in-person school, and work. The time of solitude gave us the opportunity for a deeper appreciation of each other. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, in his book Life Together, has much to say about solitude as does Thomas Merton with his quote, “It is in deep solitude that I find the gentleness with which I can truly love my brothers.” Solitude well spent. Where we rest ourselves and let God work in the inner places that need it. A seedling for the longing of others to grow there.
But if our time of isolation was more consumption, it affected us in other ways. We binged on convenience. Physical life and relationships just became too hard to get back to. Some of this was necessary for new boundaries we created, or needed at the time. But truthfully, a virtual world is, well, easier. My eyes take in what they want and when I don’t like what I see or read, my fingers fire back easy harsh words that I have no repercussions from. Or I simply, dismiss, unfollow, and move on. Hard lines are drawn, and a division is a natural end goal. Then my entertainment takes the sting of loneliness and a scary world away. So I binge again.
image: WALLE midstory.org
The Friendship Epidemic mirrors the Loneliness Epidemic
Yet we are meant for community. Followers, friends, gaming clans, teams, tribes and Instagram's "Close Friends" feature, all bring the titles of relationship, admirer, companion, belonging to a digital space. And so many of us have experienced this community in a digital space. We know it's possible, important, and last year, it was necessary for many to stay connected. What we also know in the digital wellness community is that even with the strategic language of “friendship” when it replaces physical-world everyday life relationships, it takes a toll on us and affects our well-being. These are not theories, these are facts. Can we pay attention to the data coming out about the cost to our well-being?
Despite the data, Facebook‘s new branding wants to help us immerse in an even more virtual connection creating the metaverse. A new kind of virtual universe for us. And guys, hear me say, I'm sure it's going to be interactive, fun, and really practical for business, connection, and the future of where we are headed! Hence the nuance of technology.
"The metaverse is the next evolution of social connection. Our company’s vision is to help bring the metaverse to life, so we are changing our name to reflect our commitment to this future." -facebook.com
I'm simply asking us to pay attention. Openness. Here’s my hesitation to shift our physical world to a virtual one. It’s a slow progression from us living our authentic lives to commercialization, masked in convenience and connection.
Social media won't be our main answer to loneliness.
Henri Nouwen, in his book, Reaching Out, was speaking these timely truths well before smartphones.
“The roots of loneliness are very deep and cannot be touched by optimistic advertisement, substitute love images or social togetherness. They find their food in the suspicion that there is no one who cares and offers love without conditions, and no place where we can be vulnerable without being used.”
Those of us spending so much of our lives in virtual spaces are commodified whether we know it or not. Think about how in 2010, if you shot a thought out to the internet it was just a thought...now it's considered content. Your very life is content to be consumed and sometimes if you're a "lucky” or a skilled influencer, it's monetized in your favor. If you're not, it is in the favor of the tech company, software designers or platforms you're participating on. But even if we are getting monetized benefits, there is still always a deeper cost. As the saying goes, If you don’t pay for the product, you are the product. And sadly, much of that cost is our mental health. Our very well-being. Our beautiful minds and lives were not simply meant to be consumed with a price tag attached. Our families and friendships were not meant to be exclusively played out in front of the world, or at least “our audience”.
Yes, live open lives. Serve, love, and don't hide. Offer beauty and life to others virtually. This is a gift to the world. Social media is an avenue for that. You are a gift to the world. But not at the cost of yourself. There is a way to balance out the fact that social media is a part of our lives, and even an important part (refer to past newsletters where I outline living in this tension with healthy digital habits). But because of the intense tech design toward our human desires and even needs, we must be vigilant for our own well-being and relationships.
"Was nothing real?” "You were real. That's what made you so good to watch." The Truman Show 1998
This holiday try these simple ways to engage physically and safely to get quality connection in your life. Write handwritten notes that you really spend time on and include those in your Christmas gifts this year. Have a dinner and dance party with close friends (cue endorphin, dopamine, and oxytocin dumps). Hug your kids a little longer in the morning. Give a foot or hand massage to someone while watching a holiday movie. Look Grandma in the eyes while you tell her a story from this past year. Tell your loved ones how much they mean to you. Reach out to someone who is struggling, with a phone call or video message. Reach out to someone with something you’re struggling with and let them into that part of your life. Turn on holiday music or just good jazz and cook a meal with someone.
Or better yet, make up your own connection journey this holiday...
...and if all else fails with your connections, just know you drew your boundaries, you gave it all you had,
AND you are not ALONE. 🤍
pinterest.com
-Dawn Wible
Find resources for healthy digital habits at talkmoretechless.com
sources: Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, child mind institute, center for humane technology, digital wellness institute, pew research center, fairplayforkids.org, facebook.com