Build a Life. Not a Brand. Pt. 2 ~ 12 Months of Digital Wellness - January

If you haven't yet, I suggest you go back and read Part 1 from our last email, or scroll down to the bottom of this email for a quick recap to see how we're exploring this topic.

How do you know if you are building a life or a brand? 

Using research-based points for digital flourishing we are going to do some gentle self-observations and allow ourselves to be open.  I do these check-ins for myself and I am still learning, growing, and releasing new places.  You're not self-condemning, you're just exploring motivations for your own well-being. It's okay, it's important, and it's good. 

Here we go

Your mind  ✓ When building a life, you're living from a quiet mind that is firmly rooted in who you are, and your belonging.  Everything online and off flows from that security.  When building a brand, you're living from a place of needing affirmation and engagement to bring self-fulfillment. The former allows you to not be too strongly affected by the content you put out and the content you consume. You don't "need" it.  "30% of 18-44 year olds feel anxious if they haven’t checked their social media in the last 2 hours." -Center for Humane Technology, Sept.2020
 

Your People  ✓ When building a life and not a brand you care more about those in your everyday life than you do about gaining likes on your followers list. This can even be applied online with close friends.  "Well-being has been extensively associated with social bonds. When we use social media as a tool to deepen our strong-tie relationships (i.e. those with close friends and family rather than acquaintances or weak-tie relationships), our well-being increases. When we use it to consume content or compare ourselves to others, well-being decreases. - Digital Communication Media Use and Psychological Well-Being, Oxford, Oct.2019
 

Your Time ✓When building a life and not a brand you carve out and value time offline. Unplugging, stepping away from the screen, and pouring into yourself and others are imperative for your health. This is getting more and more important as relationships, work, and school are all on screens.  The U.S. was found to have a 215% increase in time spent on mobile devices last year. - Nielsen, 2020  "One month away from social media leads to a significant improvement in emotional well-being, including a reduction in loneliness and an increase in happiness, as well as a significant reduction in political polarization."-aea journal, March 2020
 

Your Moments ✓ When building a life and not a brand you live in the moment rather than focusing on building the moment for your social media platform.

Live the moment, then share; don't live the moment to share. 

Becoming aware of this is important. We have all experienced it due to what the platform has done to our brains.  "People who took photos to share on social media experienced less enjoyment and less engagement with the scene compared to those who took photos purely for their own pleasure. Closer analysis indicates that taking photos to share on social media increases a user's focus on their own self-identity and self-presentation, distracting them from connecting to the world around them."  
"The mere presence of a mobile phone can disrupt the connection between two people, leading to reduced feelings of empathy, trust, and a sense of closeness." -  Peer-reviewed research, DWI Digital Wellness Institute, Center for Humane Technology
 

Your Character ✓ When building a life and not a brand you care more about your own integrous heart, humility, speech & actions, than you do about winning an argument on all the FB comments.  What your kids believe about your character matters more than any influencer or follower online, and your kids are watching you.  Don't simply get lured by trends, but stand up for your beliefs with authenticity in all areas of life. "Each word of moral outrage added to a tweet increases the rate of retweets by 17%. It takes very little effort to tip the emotional balance within social media spaces, accelerating further polarization." -PNAS, July 2017

When we spend the time to evaluate these vulnerable places in our own lives and online engagement, then we can have the empathy to see others more clearly as well.  Not simply their "brand", we see them as a life.  We can think deeply about the other person, and their experiences, and not get blinded by the quick judgment we've been conditioned to make.  We begin to listen and work together as complicated human beings, not just polarized opinions or pretty faces. We can step back and see the whole truth, the whole person, and use our tech to promote wisdom, goodness, and justice.

How do you build a life and not a brand?  Focus your energy where it is best spent - Life.  
The rest is the icing on the cake, not the cake itself.


 

Approach your screen as an avenue for authentic connection & a tool for life. This will promote your 
mental & relational well-being.  #techresponsibly

Find resources for healthy digital habits at talkmoretechless.com

2021 ~ A Year Of Digital Wellness #techresponsibly

#techresponsibly a Map to Digital Wellness in 2021

Allow me to be honest. I'm longing to set intentions and take action steps toward my own digital habits for health this year and I bet I'm not alone. We all need a reset after this past year.

Here is a small glimpse into 2020: 
~ Since March, there has been a 300% increase in the google search topic "how to get my brain to focus"
~ Economic stress rose from 46% in 2019 to 70% in 2020
~ Work stress rose from 64% in 2019 to 70% in 2020
~ Future of the nation stress rose from 66% in 2019 to 82% in 2020
~ Parents had the largest increase in stress, but kids and others felt it as well.
~ According to WHO (World Health Organization) stress is now considered a world wide epidemic 

With our screens, news, school, work, and communication all in front of our face 24/7 we are feeling the weight and the cost of what we have walked through this past year. As much as our phones saved connection, the research is showing that the over-connectedness took a toll on our brains, bodies, and closest relationships.

So, I'm stepping into 2021 with a sober, yet hopeful perspective. 

For the next 12 months Talk More. Tech Less. is offering steps towards Digital Flourishing.  Topics to keep our eyes up, our minds clearer, and our relationships connected. Once a month here, within our email community, and on our Instagram we will be covering areas that affect our digital, and therefore, our IRL (in real life) physical world. 

So, be on the lookout for our January deep dive into the #techresponsibly
the topic of Build a LIFE, not a BRAND. 

And don't forget to check out our products for healthy digital habits at home at talkmoretechless.com

*sources- peer-reviewed research: center for humane technology, digital wellness institute, pew research center, journal of consumer research

Gaming - Moving Aggression to Perspective

Vulnerable post - 

This mom of three boys is learning. All born after 2005, my young guys are digital natives and know nothing of life before screens were on the scene. Though the world around me and my childhood wasn’t screen-filled, I do vividly remember my first Nintendo entering our home with Duck Hunt and Super Mario Brothers to entertain us on Friday nights. I can feel the excitement in me now when it was finally my turn to play. In addition, I also remember the heat on my face when my Mario guy died right before completing the level on my nineteenth try at that world. I couldn’t move on to the next level and had to redo that world all over again. I almost made it to the end - the rage! 

I was a sister to four brothers and knew gaming well.

Now I’m raising three boys and oh how the gaming industry has evolved since the days of Duck Hunt. Of course, my boys do plenty of other activities. They love Legos and the outdoors. Yet we also let them game. Someone asked me the other day, “Is it hard for you to let your boys play digital games knowing the brain science for kids in addition to knowing the business side of this gaming industry?” The answer: It’s a struggle. It is a letting go. It is a part of the parenting journey.

Isn’t life that way, though? Just as there are dangers and hesitations in handing your teen their first phone, handing them the keys to their first car, setting up their first social media account, saying yes to them going out with friends alone, sending them on their first date - there are these constant “letting go’s” that we do during their life. Hopefully, these experiences happen while our kids are in our homes so we can model, learn, guide, and help set up healthy boundaries. Many times we don’t do these acts without guidelines, conversations, trainings even ( plug here: Smartphone Ed.) do we?

Yes, I know the research on gaming addiction. I do realize that Fortnite has hit more than $1 billion in revenue from people pouring their time and money into this game. I stay up to date on the research of elevated aggression in the brains of the players. This is why we delay access to gaming for our boys while young. As my kids get older into their teen years, we set limits and gradually allow access. I do feel the gaming industry has a hold on a generation that is not only distracting them from their lives but dangerously changing their brains to survive in a virtual world apart from the place they are meant to thrive. This is the very reason it’s important, whether that’s social media or gaming, for us to not run from the digital culture, but to face it, with common sense, age-appropriate healthy habits, and modeling, while pushing for legislative accountability and change in the industry.

The truth is our teens want to be where their friends are and where life is happening. To hold them back from that and not give them age-appropriate access while they are living in our homes can later prove to be a disservice to them. We can hold to our values, pass them on to our kids, and let them be on devices with their friends. It can happen, but it will take pressing through the challenges, setting up time boundaries, keeping to your guidelines, giving consequences for tantrums, listening, questioning, and a lot of learning. This is the hard and intentional parenting life. It is inconvenient. It disrupts our busy. It interrupts our numbing out. And it sets our kids up for a life of guidance and freedom.

Let me set the scene of a moment in our home recently when one of my sons mowed yards to save up for his first X-box. Most of his friends have some sort of gaming device and he wanted to be included in this fun. “FUN” is the important term here. As he and Dad ran to get the Xbox, Mom was typing out the “Wible Home Xbox Guidelines” :) You can roll your eyes there - he wanted to. He was very obviously not happy with the time limits, the 3 strikes of anger and your out rules, and the simple fact that I had any say in his playing time. Through a few days of us back and forth on his frustrations with losing, even yelling at the game I finally sat down with him Tuesday night. I listened to his pleading for no boundaries like his school friends get and so on. I let him get out all of his frustrations with me and I finally said, “I hear you and I’m glad to know how you feel. You wanted to have fun with your friends. You worked hard to pay for this, I know. I also know that your anger and aggression when you have to get off of the game is real. The aggression you feel when you lose or when something in the game is not fair is part of the reason I’m setting up these boundaries. Do you like those feelings when they come up inside you?” “No”, he says. I continue, “The longer you are on the game the more real and important the game becomes to you. So, no I’m not going to let you play for 6 hours into the night. No, you can’t eat dinner and fall asleep to playing this game. Yes, I’m going to take the privilege away and push through your protests when you start violating the guidelines set up. Yes, you bought this with your money, but you live in the home that Dad and I pay for so you are not in charge of these time limits. And most importantly, I love you, your mind, and your life. I want you to learn healthy habits and until you can show us that you are we’re going to make the call. Maybe we can revisit these guidelines and re-adjust after a while if we need to, but you will have to earn those privileges”. I felt a breakthrough with him. He felt seen, heard, and understood at the same time as internally desiring those boundaries.

After that invested time things have been better. The other night before dinner he turned off his game and asked if he could make cookies. After they were done he tasted them and said I can taste every ingredient I put in these. This is my best batch. I love this kid. I know the deeper work of parenting isn’t easy. The inconvenient moments in our day will happen again and we will have to dig deep to help him move from aggression to real-life perspective, but I will keep pressing into what we stand for and allow our kid to hopefully build skills that will help him when he is on his own.

For those of you raising your kids in this digital world, hear me say - we are learning. This is new to all of us. Do you know how many parents say that to me? The studies out there on social media and gaming attached to anxiety, depression, and suicide are not to be ignored and are not to be feared. We don’t throw in the towel and numb out. We don’t run, hide, or pretend the issues our kids are dealing with are not there. We don’t leave them on their own to deal with all this. We don’t take it all away. We model first. We listen - we learn - we guide - we dig deep and do the work of connection and relationships. Because it matters. They matter.

Last week I felt I was losing. Today I feel that I’m learning.

-Dawn Wible

UPDATE (5 years later) Back in 2020, my son decided to sell his gaming system. We offered enough real-life activities with school, friends, and the outdoors, that he opted out of the way the game made him feel and was over it. The good part is it was all his decision. Stay active, parents. Stay involved. It’s worth it.

Due to working ten years in the digital wellness and safety field and parenting three kids/teens in a digital age, I am now more actively participating in online safety policy work to help hold tech companies accountable for the manipulative, unethical, and illegal design of their products.